


Melting Point One Shots

by PaperxPens



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Don't expect a consistent schedule this is me being self indulgent, Donella and Ulla were in love fight me, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I ship melting point with a passion, Inspired by Varian and the Seven Kingdoms - Kaitlyn Ritter & Anna Lencioni, They live in my brain rent free, Varigo - Freeform, Varigo angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperxPens/pseuds/PaperxPens
Summary: A collection of one shots for Melting Point (Donella and Ulla) from Varian and the Seven Kingdoms because I love them.This will have a lot of personal HC involvedMy Hc is that Donella is not evil nor did she want to trap Ulla in the library, she did so because Ulla had grown power-hungry and Donalla feared what she would do. Ulla snapped for a moment and instantly regretted her decision but by the time she came to her senses, it was too late. The incantation Donella cast to trap her inside prevents her physical body from ever leaving the Library.Ulla lies to herself throughout the years, pretending and convincing herself that her desires weren't evil. You'll see that theme come upHeartbroken, Donella didn't want to ruin Ulla's reputation so she allowed everyone to assume that Ulla died at her hands and didn't speak of anything that happened in the library from then on.They had feelings for each other but Ulla DID NOT cheat on Quirin.
Relationships: Donella/Ulla, Hugo & Varian (Disney: Varian and the Seven Kingdoms), Melting Point - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 17





	1. The Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> AN// This is purely self-indulgent. Don't expect the best work here I'm sorry. 
> 
> For the first chapter I got inspired by that She-ra quote, I thought it fit them well  
> ALSO BTW- I think these first few chapters suck- but they get better I swear

Donella panted heavily as the hazy blue barrier strengthened, separating herself from the Eternal Library they had dreamt about reaching. Her words still echoed in the woman’s ears. _Dont you see Don? Knowledge is power, and we will know all!_ Her expression had contorted in that moment, and the woman looking back at her was not the one she spent the better part of her life with.

Donella knew then what she didn’t want to believe on their journey, she wished it hadn’t come to this. Closing her eyes in an attempt to block out the memory of her friend’s pained expression as she turned on her and drew her weapon. The split second of betrayal in her large blue eyes before the madness set in. She tried to forget how after Ulla had struck her down, the woman tried to rush over and help her, how the crazed expression had lifted in that moment. Only for her to be trapped behind the wall of hazy blue.

She pressed a hand firmly to her cheek, blood dripping down her arm and staining her sleeve. Her head spun and her former partner’s anxious and muffled cries of concern were lost to her. 

“I’m fine- I’m fine!” The gray-haired woman insisted and brought herself to a standing position, turning to face the woman she once knew pressing herself against the magical barrier. Tears were falling out of her eyes and matting the fiery red hair that framed her face.

“Are-are you really betraying me, Don?”

Ulla whispered softly in shock. Surely Donella was the traitor, the one who turned on her. She was the one who lost the light. It couldn’t be her, she couldn’t be the traitor. Ulla was the good one, the kind one. Their entire lives she was the nice one, the sunshine to Don’s storm. Surely she wasn’t the traitor, right?

Her partner’s harsh scoff pulled her from her thoughts, their eyes met and Ulla swore she saw a tear fall down Donella’s cheek and mix with the blood. But that was impossible, Donella never cried.

“That’s funny. Who’s betraying who?” Donella muttered harshly and turned to leave, to leave this all behind her. This was her fault, it was all her fault. If she had done her job, pulled Ulla out of her fantasies sooner, this would all be different. She wasn’t the traitor but she was a failure. And maybe that was worse.

This was fitting. The first person she decided she could trust had turned on her and it was all her fault. Donella clenched the hand that wasn’t pressed against her wounds. It was like the world wanted her to be lonely. When Ulla was around it felt like they could face the world together, they could fight. Now what’s the point in fighting anymore when she was proven wrong, what she had feared was true. She was meant to be alone.

“Wait! Don please! Please.” Ulla cried out and choked back a sob once the realization set in as to what she had done. What had she done?

“What?!” Donella snapped and whirled around, narrowing her eyes. *She’s evil. She’s evil. Don’t listen to her manipulation. She doesn’t care about you, she just wants to be freed.*

“Please Don! I’m sorry! I- I messed up.” Ulla begged and pressed her hands against the barrier, ducking her head down as she sobbed. “Pl-please don’t leave me.”

Donella looked away from the sight, convincing her heart that Ulla was playing a trick. “You’re just trying to free yourself!” She hissed and gritted her teeth, wincing as the movement pained her wounds.

“I-I’m not Don I swear! The incantation you cast is permanent, I know that! It’s not for freedom. This- this isn’t a lie!”

“Then why are you saying this?! Why now?” Donella screamed at her, losing her composure and turning her head away. “Haven’t you hurt me enough today?!”

Ulla choked back a sob and whimpered softly, sniffing. “Don’t you get it?” She cried out and hit her fist against the barrier, making a loud thumping sound but doing no damage. Donella glanced back up at her. “I love you!”

Ulla’s voice echoed throughout the vast library, breaking at the end with grief as Donella stared at her with shock. “I always have!” She continued and wiped her eyes on the back of her blue dress. “So please, just this once, stay.”

Donella froze after the declaration, then took a shaky step forwards. The two locked eyes for what felt like an eternity. Her hand slowly lowered from her cheek, the wounds still bleeding. Donella opened her mouth to speak before looking down at her blood-covered hand. Closing her eyes and her fist, ~~as well as her heart~~ , she turned to hide the tears streaming down her face and creating channels in the bloodstains. The woman turned on her heels and stormed out of the Eternal Library, closing the portal behind her.


	2. Role Reversal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showdown at the Eternal Library except that Donella was the one trapped inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Don't expect a consistent schedule here I'm just posting what I have. This was actually suggested to me by Saad so uh- Yeah ILY saad

The hazy blue barrier flickered as Ulla’s crazed cackles filled the air, reverberating off of the walls of the Eternal Library. She chuckled to herself as the power flowed through her veins and solidified into a forcefield. Her grin was wide, eyes mad as her gaze darted around. 

“Knowledge is power! And- and I know all!” She cackled out and giggled to herself, a small crack in her facade appeared as her blue eyes, a little more bright than usual, landed on the fallen heap on the other side of the portal, inside the libraries confines. The crazed facade cracked and the blue light surrounding her faded. The woman didn’t realize that she had floated above the ground until her feet touched the surface once again. She was used to drifting off into her fantasies, Donella was always the one to pull her back from the clouds. 

“Don...”

A soft whisper left her lips as the sight of her friend struggling to pick herself up caught her attention. Donella pressed one hand against her gashed cheek firmly, refusing to look up at her former partner. Refusing to look up at the result of her foolishness. Ulla rushed towards the woman only to be knocked back by the barrier of her own creation. She was forced to accept the distance that she had put between them.

“Don are you okay? Let me- let me-“

“You’ve done enough.” The woman, now standing in front of the books hissed, a steady trickling of blood flowed down her arm.

Ulla bit back the lump in her throat at Donella’s words. If she closed her eyes she could just imagine that her friend was insisting she go to bed, or was just exasperated at her per usual. If she closed her eyes she could pretend that she didn’t shut her inside, that she wasn’t the cause of her demise, she could pretend like this was all some funny game. She was good at pretending. 

“Don please- I-“

“Don’t call me that!” Donella growled and gritted her teeth, glaring down at Ulla through her narrowed green eyes. Long ago, what felt like a lifetime ago, she had told the redhead that only her friends were allowed to give her nicknames. Though she didn’t have any friends at the time, the point still stood. She had said that and later watched Ulla’s face light up when she responded to the name Don. A confirmation of their friendship, of their trust.

“Only my friends are allowed to give me nicknames.”

Ulla hesitantly retracted her outstretched hand a bit, shrinking into herself. She messed up, she messed up bad. Donella always fixed her mistakes, Donella always fixed it. Donella always fixed her. Donella made her feel like she was good, but now, now she was far from it.

“Donella I- I’m sorry,” Ulla whispered, pressing her hand against the barrier. To her surprise, Donella’s reached out as well and rested in the same spot. They could have been touching, Ulla could have pretended Donella was there if it wasn’t for the lack of warmth. Or the lack of butterflies she felt each time they’re brush against one another.

“No, I’m sorry.” The woman on the other side whispered. Ulla took a small step back in confusion, Donella never apologized.

“Wh-“

“Ulla for once in your life can you just listen?!” Donella cried out and hit her fist against the barrier in anguish. Her eyes looked into Ulla’s’ obstructed by tears. Angry tears towards her partner, angry tears towards herself.

Ulla, in her shock, remained silent. If Donella never apologized, then she also never, never allowed herself to cry openly. Ulla had remembered some nights on their journey when she awoke to the sound of sniffling beside her, though she had never asked since Donella made a point to hide in the darkness.

“I-“ The woman took in a shaky breath and looked away.

“I’m sorry for letting you down.” She whispered and harshly bit back a sob.

“Wha- Donella you didn’t-“

“But I did!” Her voice shrieked as she punched the barrier fiercely, her nails digging into her palms. 

“I’m the one who’s supposed to stop you- to stop you from going too far!” Her clean hand ran through her messy gray hair. Ulla rarely saw Donella like this, so frantic, so messy, so desperate.

“What? No- no you’re wrong.” Ulla replied with shaky whispers as she took a few stumbling steps back. She hugged her hands close to her chest. 

Donella didn’t seem to hear her protests, or she chose to ignore them. The woman opened the eyes she had previously squeezed closed, tears running down her cheeks and mixing with the blood.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t notice, or that I chose to ignore, the monster you were becoming.” She lifted her hung head and stared the shocked woman down. Donella had leaned forwards against the barrier, resting her right forearm against it to hold up the rest of her body.

“I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from becoming a monster.”

Ulla’s expression hardened just as Donella regained her composure. She took her bloodied hand and wiped the tears from her eyes, smearing the red liquid across her face in the process. 

“You’re wrong!” Ulla cried out and held the sides of her head with her hands, shaking her head like she was trying to rid herself of Donella’s words.

“I’m not a monster! I’m not a monster!” She had always been good at pretending.

Donella just shook her head sadly, taking a small step back from the barrier like she had accepted her fate. To be locked within the confines for the rest of eternity. This was the price she would pay for letting Ulla down.

“Don’t lie to yourself, Ulla.” She whispered, knowing how the woman would twist her motivations in order to change her view of herself.

“I’m no- I’m not! You- you’re the liar!” She pointed a finger at Donella, it was easier to point fingers, to shift the wrongs, the accusations. To not have to come to terms with the fact that the only one to blame was herself.

“I’m not a liar Ulla,” Donella replied with icy cold delivery, her hand still squishing her cheek in an attempt to stop the bleeding. “But I am a failure.”

Ulla’s angry expression cracked just a tad as Donella bit her lip. The finger she pointed wavered slightly. Green eyes met blue as Donella spoke shakily.

“I’m a failure, because I loved you too much to stop you.”

Ulla’s mouth dropped open slightly as she recoiled in shock. No, no this wasn’t possible. She-she didn’t, she wasn’t the one who betrayed Donella. She shouldn’t be feeling this guilt. She wasn’t evil. She was good. She was good. 

Backing up in fear, Ulla shook her head as she watched her friend stay frozen. Not expecting a response but still waiting nonetheless. In her panic, Ulla squeezed her eyes closed. She couldn’t look into that olive green stare that pierced her soul and dug to the deepest parts of her heart.

Turning on her heel, she did what she always did in distress. She pretended, pretended that things were different. That Donella had, Donella had betrayed her. Had turned on her. Had corrupted over the journey and became a traitor.

“I’m sorry things had to turn out this way.”

Ulla replied, replied to the traitorous woman who was now trapped for her wrongdoings. But in reality, outside of the one she created for herself, who was the one really trapped? Who was the one who betrayed the other? Who was the real traitor? Turning on her heel, she spun around quickly and ran like she always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Eyyyy!! Welcome to the end! Hope you enjoyed


	3. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donella and Ulla's reunion after the events of 7K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// IMMA BE HONEST! This one hurt- This one really hurt me

The red-haired woman waved her final goodbye to her son as he looked at her with tears in his eyes. Both he and the taller blond boy that had entered the library with him turned, walking through the blue barrier that kept her from the outside world. Varian looked over his shoulder as tears rolled down his cheeks, she wiped away her own as she watched him leave to live the life she could never give him. She smiled as the taller boy squeezed her son’s hand and comforted him. That was all she could want for him. To be loved and to love back. 

That was now all she wanted for herself. Not the knowledge and power within the library walls. She had realized that even with every shred of information and skill in the world, she’d still be alone. For just a single moment, she wanted that feeling again, to love again. She wanted her.

A few seconds after her son and his companion had left through the portal, another figure entered. Blue boots stepped inside as the figure of a woman came from the hazy blue portal. She had her arm up over her face, blocking the light from her green eyes. Aside from a few more wrinkles from age and possibly from frowning, as well as two jagged scars received by her hand, her old friend looked the same. She looked perfect like she always had been.

Donella looked up and then away. Why had she come here when she could have and should have stayed away? Why did she convince herself that she’d be strong enough for face her? Why did she listen to that small nagging part of her brain that wanted desperately to see her again?

Ulla smiled through the tears, a sadly happy smile as she pressed her hands against the barrier. She choked on a happy sob. Of all the people she thought would be coming through the portal, she didn’t expect that she'd be there, she didn’t expect to ever see her again. Just seeing her one last time made her feel like it was all worthwhile.

“Don.” She whispered the name softly and pressed herself against the barrier. She wasn’t ready to go just yet, she had to talk to her one last time.

Donella just stood there and stared at her old friend, she hadn’t aged a day. Guess it was all thanks to her. It was all her fault that she was there in the first place, her fault for not helping her and pulling her out of her fantasy. She was probably furious with her, Ulla probably never wanted to see her again, she probably wanted her to leave. Donella was about to take it all back, to just turn and go and pretend this never happened. 

That’s when she spoke, that soft whisper that made the woman look up and meet those blue eyes. Within seconds she had ran over from the portal, ran over to her, and pressed herself against the barrier. Her hands pressed against the invisible force where Ulla’s were resting, her forehead against hers. She blinked away tears and closed her eyes. She knew that she could push past the wall between them, she could enter the library and, and be with her. She could but she also couldn’t.

“I-I’m sorry,” Donella whispered and curled her fingers slightly against the barrier. She shook her head and let a couple tears fall to the ground. “I can’t- I can’t- I’m not strong enough.” She wasn’t strong enough to push past the barrier and take Ulla into her arms again. She wasn’t strong enough to hold her again and to feel her breath against her skin. She wasn’t strong enough to have her, to be with her again because if she did. If she entertained the possibility, then Donella didn’t know if she could let go.

Ulla nodded and moved her hand so that if the barrier wasn’t there between then she could be cupping Donella’s cheek, her scared cheek. She sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye. All the things she wanted to say, years worth of apologies and confessions she wanted to tell her. Looking up into her teary green gaze, she couldn’t remember another time Donella looked so broken, so desperate, except for a split second on the day Ulla betrayed her.

“You are always enough for me,” Ulla whispered and smiled softly through sorrow as Donella pressed her forehead back against the barrier. Opening her eyes, she gulped before speaking, her lip trembling as she did so.

“Wh-what you said to me. All those years ago. Di- did you really mean it?” Her voice cracked as she asked, she had debated the question in her mind for years. Did she really mean it? She had convinced herself it was all a trick to manipulate her, but a small voice begged to know for sure. A small piece of her heart entertained the idea that it was real, that her feelings were real. Donella knew hers were, and still were as strong as ever even after those long long years, all that time spent repressing them and trying to forget her. How could she forget her? The one person who made her happier than anything else? How could she forget the woman who made her feel like there was more out there than tragedy and bleakness? Who made her feel like she was someone good? Why couldn’t she forget when she wanted to so badly? Maybe she secretly didn’t want to.

Her green eyes seem to plead with Ulla, please say that it was real. Please say that all those nights spent by the fire, that spark she felt when their hands brushed together even for a brief fraction of a second, please tell her that feeling was real. She couldn’t bear the idea that it wasn’t, she didn’t know if she could take it.

Ulla’s sad teary smile widened ever so slightly as she attempted to wipe away the tears from Donella’s eyes. She had spent many a sleepless night picturing those eyes, wondering what things could have been like had she not made that one mistake. She’d wonder what their lives would have been like had she not lost herself in a moment of power. Maybe those eyes could have greeted her every morning when she woke up, maybe those eyes would have stared at her longingly, in the same way she longed for her. Maybe the woman behind those eyes could have been hers and hers alone.

“With my whole heart,” Ulla reassured her and bit back a sob as her voice broke. In truth, Donella owned her heart back then and even now, she’d stolen it years ago and Ulla didn’t want it back. Donella could have everything, her heart, her mind, every single book in the world, all Ulla wanted for herself was Don.

Donella scoffed and broke down a bit more, lifting a hand to muffle sobs before she composed herself and lifted her head.

“It’s okay Don,” Ulla whispered and pressed her hand back over to where Donella’s were. “You may have to pretend to be stoic and strong and cold for the world, but for me, when it’s just us. Let’s not pretend anymore.” 

Donella nodded as her body shook with another sob. She spent so long, so long building up walls around her heart to keep everyone out. To protect herself for fear of getting hurt. And the one person, the one woman who broke through hurt her more than anyone else had in her entire life. She hurt her so so deeply. So why did she desperately want her back?

For a long while they stood there, foreheads pressed against the same spot on the barrier, hands pressed together if it weren’t for that small space where the force field prevented touch. For a long while they stood there and each remembered the spark they shared long ago, each regretted the wasted years. For a little while, they were happy.

Eventually, Ulla opened her eyes, blinking away tears as she bit her bottom lip. 

“Don? I’m ready. I’m ready to let go now.” She whispered and was shocked when her voice didn’t break, shocked to hear herself at peace. This was the last thing she wanted, the last thing she needed. It was her.

“N-no! Please wait! I’m not- I don’t want to let you go!” Donella choked out and for a second considered pushing past the barrier, only for Ulla to shake her head. She knew that it would only hurt Donella more, it would hurt her more to have them reunite fully only for it to end too soon.

“Goodbye, Don. I love you.” Ulla said, her voice steady as she leaned against the barrier, her eyes meeting Donella’s as her green irises were blurred with tears. The woman bit back a sob before nodding.

“Goodbye, Ulla. I-“ She looked away and closed her eyes for a second before returning them to her blue ones. “I love you too.”

Smiling, Ulla took in a breath, her final breath, and pressed forwards. For a second, her hand passed through the barrier and Donella couldn’t help but grab it. Only for it to disappear. The woman stayed pressed against the barrier as her friend leaned into it. For just a moment her lips were in front of hers, for just a moment Donella leaned forwards. Then she was gone.

Donella leaned her forehead against the barrier where Ulla’s once was too. Her face scrunching as she gritted her teeth and held the sides of her head, shaking it in disbelief. She shook with silent grief. She was gone. She was really really gone. Why did this hurt more? Why did everything inside her hurt so badly? She had spent years living without her, years living in anger and betrayal and anguish so why did this hurt more? The woman fell to her knees and banged her fists against the barrier. Because this time she couldn’t tell herself that she didn’t lose the one person who truly understood her. She couldn’t tell herself that Ulla was evil or a traitor or just using her for knowledge. She couldn’t tell herself that she didn’t just lose the one woman she loved, and the one person who loved her back. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore to hide in her fictional bliss. But reality, the truth, the truth was almost too much for her to bear. The truth was that Ulla loved her the same way Donella loved her, and she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// BRB I'm sobbing over my own stupid one shot


	4. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Au of the final battle where Donella dies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// I'm literally writing these for the 3 other people in the fandom who like Melting Point

“Hiya Don! Long time no see!” That high pitched crazed voice came from Varian’s open mouth, though the sound seemed disembodied from him. His eyes were completely blue and the child’s head lulled to one side. Donella narrowed her eyes, internally kicking herself for not stopping this. She stepped into the library with gritted teeth, past the barrier she had created to keep Ulla inside. But now, now Varian was in danger because of her actions. It was all her fault. This was all her fault.

“Get out of the kid, Ulla.” Donella growled, lifting her hands and causing green sparks to fly between her fingers. Her eyes narrowed as her gaze settled on the child. “This is between you and me.”

“Oh really Donny? Why would I do that?” Ulla cooed and made it so that Varian robotically placed a hand on his cheek. “Would you really hurt a boy?” She growled out the last phrase like it was dripped with venom, cackling wildly as Varian’s arms held out, his head dropping limply. “I know they all said you were heartless, but let’s test that theory.”

Large blue gems with pointed edges lifted into the air with her crazed laugher, larger versions of the same gems that had scarred the woman years ago. Donella’s eyes widened at the display of power.

“Impressive, right Don?” Ulla cooed and chuckled to herself. “I’ve had quite the time to practice. Knowledge is power isn’t it? And I-“ she paused and scoffed softly “Well Don, I know all!”

With that declaration Varian’s arms moved forwards and the wall of gems suspended in mid air jetted forwards towards Donella. Lifting her arms to produce a green shield, Donella cried out from the strain of the power needed to protect herself. For a moment she considered dropping the shield, to give into her former friend’s attacks and to be done with it. To be done with it all. But if she did that, then she wouldn’t just be a failure, she’d be a coward. It didn’t matter if she died, but she had to die fighting. Fighting against her own mistakes.

Gritting her teeth, Donella lifted her arms to concentrate her power. She’d be able to send a force back from the shield she made for herself. A large green ball of light formed in front of her as her eyes narrowed. Meeting the wide blue ones of Varian, Donella hesitated. The woman watched as a single tear slipped from his possessed eyes and she couldn’t. She was too weak, she couldn’t. The rain of jagged gems halted as Ulla looked at Don, confused. Donella dropped her shield and started towards her.

“Please Ulla. Release the boy.” Donella called out and held out a hand to Varian. To Ulla. “I won’t fight you.”

Varian’s hand reached out towards Donella’s, their fingers nearly touching as his expression softened. Suddenly, he retracted back and stumbled away, pulling his hand towards his body. 

“Then you will die like the coward you are!” Ulla shrieked, Varian’s mouth didn’t even open as she spoke and created a smaller group of gems. Donella stood tall and kept her arms by her side. 

“I guess I will.”

Closing her eyes, Donella felt the tiny gem like daggers pierce her body, they lodged in her torso, some in her legs, and one inches to the left of her heart. Groaning, she fell backwards on to the floor and sucked in a breath. One leg was bent slightly as she resisted the urge to hold her wounds. There was a pause in the heat of battle, no crazed laughter or shout of triumph. The silence was only broken by a softly thump as Varian’s limp body was thrown to the floor. Ulla re-emerging from a puff of blue smoke and running over to Don with panic in her eyes. 

“No!” No! She did it again, she did it again. She, she became a monster, she gave into the monster. She was a monster. This was all her fault, she- what had she done? Kneeling down beside her fallen friend, friend? Victim? She didn’t know. Ulla held her head in her lap and cradled her cheek oh so tenderly. Donella looked up at her, confused. Was she already this delirious from blood loss? How badly was she hallucinating? It- it felt so real, so nice.

“Don! Don hang on please! Varian- Varian can find a doctor- you’ll be okay.” Ulla cried out and gently brushed a loose strand of grey hair from her friend’s face. Donella just shook her head and reached up, holding onto her hand.

“I haven’t been okay since- since the day I left you here.” She whispered, her vivid green eyes already starting to gloss over. Ulla bit back a sob and ran her thumb along the back of Donella’s knuckles. Donella smiled softly and started to close her eyes, only for Ulla to squeeze her hand tightly.

“Don no- please, please look at me.” Donella obliged and turned her head to stare at the teary blue ones above her. They were captivating, she was captivating. “I’m sorry- I did it again I- I let my-“

Donella shushed her softly and reached up to brush her hair out of her eyes, she always had such messy hair. The woman smiled at the memories, how they would spend the time to get ready together every morning. 

“It’s okay. It’s my fault.”

It was her fault. This was all her fault. If only she had stopped Ulla, if only she had said something. If only she hadn’t been so selfish. So selfishly in love with Ulla that she couldn’t tell her off. Donella didn’t; she didn’t let others in for this reason. For selfish fear that she’d make the same mistake again. If only she wasn’t so selfish. If only she didn’t love her so deeply and so much. So much so that she still loved her, when she was dying because of her hand. She still loved her. Reaching up again, the hand that Ulla wasn’t holding went to cup her freckled cheek, using her thumb to wipe her tears.

“No- no Don it’s mine,” Ulla whispered back. It was her fault. This was all her fault. If only she had stopped pretending to be good, if only she accepted that she was a monster. If only, if only she hadn’t been so stupid. So stupidly thirsty for power that she forgot everything she had. Ulla pretended, Ulla pretended for this stupid reason, to trick herself into believing that she was good. To fool herself. If only she wasn’t so stupid. If only she had allowed herself to love her more, and to love her harder. If only she had stopped pretending to not love her. Maybe then, she would have come to her senses before being locked away. Or just before she made the biggest mistake of her life and attacked. If only she stopped pretending.

“Does it matter now?” Donella whispered and felt as her hand dropped to her side. She was fading, she was losing her strength. This would be over soon and the pain in her body was only bested by the pain in her heart. The pain of never getting to confess her feelings. She didn’t know if she could die with that pain. She didn’t want to die with her feelings unspoken.

“Ulla I-“ Donella hesitated as she wrinkled her face in pain. Ulla whimpered and cupped her cheek, her thumb running over the scars she had given Donella last time they fought. Seeing her hurt that time, it was what snapped her to her senses.

Giving Donella the opportunity to shut her away for good. If only, if only she had come to her senses sooner. If only she had saw her son as her son and not some way to escape. There was no lying to herself now, no pretending that she didn’t deserve to be in the library. There would be no more pretending. She deserved every second of her enteral punishment and then some. A monster like her deserved it all.

“It’s okay Don. I know.” She smiled weakly, knowing that it must have been hard for Donella to admit she had feelings for such a horrible person. Ulla still knew her well enough to be able to tell just what she was thinking. What she was feeling.

“No- I have to” Donella groaned softly and her grip on Ulla’s hand gradually weakened. She had to, she had to tell her. She had to tell her how she felt and how she still felt after all those years. She had to tell her. Her green eyes landed on her blue ones, and for a moment there was nothing else in the world besides her.

“I’m finally paying for my mistakes- because- because.” Donella’s gaze shifted as the last of her strength drained from her body. Hand fell limp in Ulla’s grasp as her once vibrant eyes glazed over. It was only fitting. It was only fitting for her to die at the hands of the one she failed to save. The one she let slip through the cracks. The one she loved so much but kept her feelings a secret out of fear and selfishness. And then, when she truly wanted to express them, death stood in the way and prevented her dying wish. This was her punishment, the consequences of her failures; this was what she deserved.

“Because! Because what?!” Ulla choked out, once again pretending for a second that Donella was still there. She was still there and just choking up, just being Don and not wanting to talk about her feelings. She was still there. She had to be. Ulla wiped her eyes to get a better view of her face.

Even with her scars, physical and emotional, the woman was the most amazing person Ulla had ever been around. And she killed her. She couldn’t run from that, she couldn’t run from who she was. A killer, a traitor, a monster.

“No!” Her voice was a terrible cry that echoed throughout the library as she hugged the limp body close. Close enough to still feel her warmth, the warmth she longed to feel at her side again for so many years. The warmth that had drained away because of her. All because of her.

“I love you Don.” She whispered softly into the woman’s hair but it was too late and her worlds fell onto deaf ears. “No more pretending. Okay?” She said that more to herself than Donella, closing her eyes and rocking back and forth as her dress was stained by the blood of the one she loved. Her victim. “I love you, always have.” She paused for a second as she gently put the body down, closing those green eyes. Donella looked to be sleeping, finally at peace after years of torment. Ulla glanced towards Varian who was picking himself up, then towards the portal as another boy seemed to run through. Ulla smiled. There was nothing left for her here because of her own actions. Donella was gone, her son would despise her. She had nothing here but. Her gaze drifted back to the bloodied body on the ground. How fitting that they would both die due to their betrayer. Donella at Ulla’s hands, and Ulla at her own.

Maybe she still had something, someone, in the place beyond death. If that person would still take her. Closing her eyes, she took in a breath. 

“And I always will love you.” She finished her previous thought and let go. She let go of whatever force kept her to the mortal world. Of all the things she grabbed onto in order to keep her spirit in the library without her physical body. All the anger and need for power she carried with her. She let it go, let it all go. And for once, she was at peace. In a swirl of broken pieces that disappeared into oblivion, Ulla was gone. For good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Yeah she's dead


	5. Possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Donella is possessed by Ulla instead of Varian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// I love them so much

The Eternal Library had been sealed tightly shut for over a decade, over ten years of being locked away in its walls to rot. Ulla gritted her teeth as she read through the books, she had already read through all of them, twice. Had nothing better to do with her time but gain knowledge and power so that if the chance ever came, she’d break free from her confines and see the real world once again. Her hand clenched into a fist as she used her other to slam the book closed, groaning loudly to herself. Her frustration echoed throughout the infinite, ever-expanding prison. She’d be stuck there for eternity because of her own actions. No, Ulla shook her head to drive the thought away. It wasn’t her fault for simply wanting to use the power the Library had to offer. You’d be crazy to not use it. It wasn’t her fault for losing sight of what she really wanted. It wasn’t her fault for turning and attacking first. It wasn’t her fault.

It was all her fault. It was all her fault. Her fault for not seeing what was happening right in front of her. Her fault for not stopping Ulla’s power spiral sooner. Her fault for even bringing up the accursed library all those years ago. It was all her fault, and she was prepared to face her punishment, long overdue.

“Stay here. Her fight is with me.”

The gray-haired woman snapped at the two boys behind her, her lips pulled in the tight frown that always seemed to be on her face. The frown that only Ulla was ever able to turn into a smile, evident since her expression hadn’t been truly happy since the day the two parted ways for what seemed like a permanent depression. Seemed like. Walking towards the teal portal with particles swirling in a circular motion, Donella sighed to herself and glanced back at the boys.

“If I don’t return in half an hour seal the portal for good.”

“But- but that would mea-”

“Did I stutter?” Her tone was so fierce that the shorter boy stepped back and stopped protesting. Donella turned away from him and stared into the mysterious blueness, the same blue that always reminded her, reminded her of better times. Happy times. She had told them that she would be the one to enter the Library first, to test the waters and hopefully stop the threat she had created. She had planted the bomb all those years ago, and now she’d be the one to willingly detonate it. Her fingers stretched out slightly as she felt that familiar power surge through them, the magic she hadn’t used in years, that she had perfected with Ulla years ago. The magic she dared not use again for fear of repeating what happened last time. For fear of what she did last time. One partner sealed away, the other… her hand reached up to touch her cheek, fingertips running over the raised surface as she sighed. The other forever marked by her mistakes.

Her metal toed boot was the first to enter the void, that familiar rush returning and feeling just like it had all those years ago. Well not exactly, the large knot of dread in her throat was an unwelcomed addition. Closing her eyes she accepted her fate, whatever that may be, and entered the library for the second and likely final time.

Interrupting her fury-induced reading, Ulla looked up as a familiar blue light illuminated the walls behind the barrier that kept her away from freedom. Freedom. It was so close, so close yet kept out of reach. But with this new development brought other vehicles, other methods she could use to get the freedom she so desperately desired. The freedom she deserved. She had been falsely imprisoned. Betrayed. She didn’t deserve this. Emerging from the portal was a figure she thought she’d never see again, someone she had lost long ago. Someone who was as good as dead to her. Without realizing, her mouth pulled into a smile that was a little too wide, eyes a little too excited as she took a step back. Watching and waiting for the woman to find her bearings. She didn’t have to wait long as Donella wasted no time. She was punctual like that. Always the responsible one, always the cold one, always a traitor. 

Quickly adapting to the new but familiar terrain, Donella glanced to her left where she somehow knew Ulla would be. She felt those piercing eyes staring into her soul the moment she walked through. Those eyes that followed her around for years and haunted every corner of her mind. Her memories, her dreams, her nightmares.

“Long time no see, Don.”

Ulla mused and for a second there was a crack in her expression, a brief moment where madness mingled with the fabricated joy she wore like a mask. A mask to hide what lurked beneath. The mask was slipping like it had all those years ago. She was slipping.

“I suppose.” 

The woman remarked cautiously, she knew. She knew time did not heal. Time could not heal. It had not worked to heal her heart, to heal her wounds beyond the physical, and even they left scars. Wounds could possibly heal but scars? Scars remained. Stepping closer, each step feeling like it was part of the steady march towards death, she approached the barrier of her own creation. The only way she could think of to fix her mistakes back then. A haphazardly placed piece of tape she had carelessly put on in a panicked attempt to save what was lost after Ulla lost herself. In a desperate attempt to not take her friend’s life, she ended up condemning her to a fate worse than death. Her suffering, it was all because of her. Because she had been too weak. She was still too weak. But she couldn’t be, she had to be stronger.

“It’s a shame really.” 

Ulla mused and stepped closer towards the woman from where she was sitting in a chair, her words slurring ever so slightly in that teasing manner that used to bring an exacerbated smile to Donella’s lips. “You’re grown old.” The woman mused with a soft giggle.

Donella scoffed and took in a sharp breath as she walked through the barrier, the icy feeling of pure power gripped her to the bone and failed to let go even when she passed into the Library. Ulla’s eyes widened slightly in shock as her mind, as crazed and in pieces as it was, put together what Donella was planning.

“It’s a shame you haven’t.” Donella quipped back, always one with a snide remark. Though this one felt different, felt possibly genuine.

A side effect from being ripped away from your physical body, it also halted your aging in the process. Ulla gave her a crooked smile, running a hand back through her disheveled hair as she watched Donella stop a few feet from the barrier’s hazy blue surface.

“All thanks to you Don, all thanks to you.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she spoke, her voice had an undertone of a growl. How could she have been so stupid years ago, to think that Donella was on her side? Everyone around her warned her of the woman, about how she was bound to have ulterior motives, but she ignored them. She ignored them because she was good, and she saw good in everyone, right? She was good. She was good and Donella, Donella was the traitor. She had to be. She felt no remorse, no sorrow for what had happened. Donella didn’t  _ feel _ anything. 

If she didn’t, then why did her expression change in the slightest manner at Ulla’s words? The red-haired alchemist had grown quite good at picking up on the slightest shifts in Donella’s expressionless expressions, able to tell just what she was thinking or feeling. So if Donella was the traitor, why did she look hurt? No, she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. Everything Ulla told herself over the years, everything she led herself to believe stood against it. She couldn’t be hurt.

Ulla stepped back for a second, her forced smile dropping as she stared at Donella was sincerity. With confusion and fear and just the tiniest bit of betrayal. 

Donella knew, she knew that Ulla had always been seen as the expressive one when in reality she just let others see what she wanted them to. She let everyone see the good by hiding behind it. Hiding and wondering if anyone knew her well enough, or cared enough, to tell her that she wasn’t okay. The only person who saw through her lies, saw who she truly was, was Don. And Don let her down when she needed her the most. When she needed someone to see who she truly was the most. When she needed someone to see who she was becoming, Donella let her down. She chose to be blinded by her lies, she chose to stop looking when Ulla hid. She chose to ignore her corruption because she couldn’t bear to see it. She was selfish, so selfish.

At that moment, that small window of clarity in the fog of lies, Donella saw Ulla again for the first time in years. She chose to see who she really was. Not a monster, not a power-hungry traitor, but someone good. Ulla always had to lie to herself, to tell herself again and again that she was good, but to Donella, she was more than good. She was all that was good.

“Ulla, please. I’m sorry.”

Donella spoke softly, her tone losing its harshness as she reached out a hand to the woman who was leaning away with her arms pulled into her chest. Ulla gulped back a yes, swallowed the urge to agree, the want to forgive. Donella didn’t mean it, she just wanted to- just wanted to- Well Ulla wasn’t sure what she wanted, but it couldn’t possibly be anything good. How could Donella be sorry when she was a traitor? Her expression once again hardened, she was too far gone, too lost in her own lies to save.

“If you’re really sorry, then you’ll be willing to pay.” She shrieked, suddenly exploding from her closed-off stance and sending a powerful blue blast of pure magic towards Donella who countered with her own. 

The two energy beams collided together with such a force that they blew over the shelves in the vicinity, papers and books swirled around the two women, torn apart by lies, regret, and love. The blue light seemed to be made of the tiniest of crystal gems, ones that looked like they could have caused the two scars across Donella’s cheek. The green light crackled with electricity, stray bolts leaping out of the concentrated source. Donella narrowed her green eyes in concentration, she was out of practice but Ulla, Ulla was slipping. Her magic wasn’t as strong as it had been at the peak of her power, she was losing something. Gritting her teeth, Donella channeled all her energy into fighting back, feeling herself overpower her former partner as her energy beam pushed closer to the shorter woman. Ulla let out a gasp at this and strained loudly, pouring whatever was left of her into fighting, fighting against the woman who betrayed her. She kept pushing, kept going even as she felt the hot energy of Donella’s magic, could hear the crackle of electricity inches away from her palms. She let out a cry of pain that she had been biting back, squeezing her eyes shut and clenching her jaw.

Donella’s eyes shot open at the sound, a similar but shorter version of a similar noise. The noise she had heard after the barrier between them fully formed all those years ago. The woman looked up and for a second, she held back. She weakened.

Ulla’s eyes widened as she felt the power slip, smiling wickedly as she leaned forwards and turned the tides of battle rather quickly, consuming the other woman in the blue beam. Donella panicked, this was just like what had happened all those years prior. She couldn’t strike Ulla down, couldn’t stop her from becoming a monster because- because she loved her too much to hurt her. But that only led to more pain down the line.

Ulla spun around in the inky black void. Where was she? She- she had never used a possession spell before but, but she wasn’t sure this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to be in the target’s mind and she was. Trapped in some infinite darkness?

Stepping around, each little noise her boots made on the floor seemed to echo tenfold as she walked in the direction that attracted her the most for some reason. Looking around, occasionally there would be a vision or two floating in the darkness, an event shown from the perspective of, of Donella. So this was her mind? 

Fitting. Fitting Ulla told herself and pushed away the twisting feeling in her stomach. Fitting for a villain to have a mind as dark as hers, dark as in evil. Evil.

It seemed like the farther she walked the older the memories became. The earlier ones she saw all had a blond boy in them, some with other children she wasn’t familiar with. The farther back she walked the more the memories centered around, around herself? Their first meeting when they were just children. Ulla smiled at the thought and shook her head at how naive they were. The voice of her younger self echoing in the nothingness, ‘You’re my best friend, Don!’. The first time the two won an award for their alchemy, ‘Yes! I knew we’d win, Don!’. Even memories of them sitting by the fire on their journey to the library. One stood out to her, one Ulla didn’t really remember as she looked half-asleep, curled up against Donella’s side. Her voice echoed softly, ‘I love you, Don’. Donella had blinked in surprise at that phrase, much like Ulla did while watching. Donella just shook her head as Ulla fell asleep nearly immediately after with her head resting on the other’s shoulder. Ulla didn’t remember this, but it seemed like Donella did.

Walking past the memory, they started to appear more often until hazy voices overlapped each other. Memories of growing up, of adventures and discoveries, and they were all of her. Eventually, the overlapping of voices fighting to be heard got so bad that Ulla had to cover her ears, finally arriving to an area where memories were all around her, surrounding her and constantly switching out for different ones. In the middle of the cluster, with their back turned, was a woman dressed in green with a long silvery braid down her back. Donella. Ulla stayed quiet but really didn’t need to since the voices of the past were loud enough.

Donella had her face in her hands, sitting on her knees as she shook her head and did her best to block out the memories. All of the sights that she could never escape from. Even in sleep when all was quiet, she’d be attacked by the regrets of her own mind. She couldn’t outrun them, couldn’t escape them no matter how hard she tried. Eventually she stopped trying and gave in.

Stepping closer, Ulla was somehow able to hear sobs coming from her former partner, and see tears streaming down her face over her scars. Donella didn’t seem to notice her yet, too overcome in her own emotions to notice anything besides the images flashing before her. Wait- Donella? Crying? Somehow that was the most unbelievable thing that happened to Ulla that day.

“I’m sorry.”

Ulla paused for a second, assuming that the woman had sensed her presence and was speaking to her until Donella reached out a hand towards the memory in front of them. It was of the first day of their journey, when Ulla had practically begged Donella to come along. ‘You have a family Ulla, they need you’ ‘Please Don! Please, let us do this together!’ Donella had sighed and agreed, to a younger Ulla’s excitement.

“You should have just stayed and forgotten about me.”

Donella grumbled to herself and wiped her tears on the back of her hand. Ulla should have just stayed behind. Stayed behind and hated Donella for leaving her. But then she would be safe and with the people who needed her. Some of the people who needed her, because Donella needed her too. Something she admitted to herself and resented herself for. How could have she been so selfish to take Ulla away from her family? From her son? How could she have been so selfish? She deserved this, she deserved every single rumor that flew around her, out of her control. She deserved the whispers, the threats, the side eyes, and glares. The hatred, the loneliness, the pain. She deserved whatever the world wanted to and could throw at her and she’d accept it without complaint.

Ulla was about to speak before the woman before her broke down in her own despair. Ulla pulled her hand away and just- just stood there as everything she had convinced herself about Donella crumbled. Donella was heartless. Donella didn’t have regrets. Donella didn’t care about her. If they were all untrue then, then what else wasn’t true?

“I’m sorry, so so sorry. For- for not being able to save you from yourself.”

Donella whispered and attempted to cup the cheek of an Ulla from the past, though her hand slipped right through the memory. That had been the day she told Don that Quirin had proposed. 

Ulla froze at this, for not being able to save her from herself? What did that- Suddenly behind her eyes memories rushed back. Her own memories. Ones that she had worked so hard to block out over years and years. Memories of the time she spent coming up with her own narrative for her motivations. Memories of herself trying to justify her morally questionable deeds, convincing herself she did it for knowledge. Just knowledge. Memories of when they had finally discovered the Library, finally stepped inside. Memories of the rush of power she had felt, how she was willing to do anything to have it all for herself. Memories of herself being and becoming a monster.

“But you don’t have to forgive me.”

Donella’s voice pulled her from her spiral as she choked on her own guilt and self-realization. Ulla wanted to run towards her friend, to beg on her knees for forgiveness but her feet felt bolted to the ground. Donella spoke of Ulla not being able to forgive her. When Ulla was the one who should be desperate for but undeserving of forgiveness from the friend that she had vilified over the years. Who she had vilified to distract from the real villain. The real traitor.

“I just want you to be happy, so if hating me will make you happy. Then hate me with all your heart. And I will still love you with all of mine.”

Ulla gasped softly at that, that confession? That realization that she had unfairly channeled her self hatred towards the one person who saw the real her? The realization that that person, Donella, still cared about her after everything she had done? Everything she had gone through, everything Ulla put her through. How could that be the case? How could Donella still not despise her? Love? Was that the case? The reason? If it was then- then why didn’t she love Donella enough to not paint her as the villain?

“I guess that’s my mistake,” The woman chuckled harshly at herself as her tears skipped over her scarred cheeks and just fell to the floor. “For loving you too much to stop you.”

If Donella loved Ulla too much, then Ulla didn’t love her enough. She didn’t love her enough and instead framed her for absolutely nothing. She didn’t love her enough so maybe. Maybe Ulla didn’t deserve to be loved as fiercely and unconditionally as Donella loved her. She didn’t deserve Donella.

Outside the confines of Donella’s mind, the woman stood frozen. Her eyes solid bright blue as she stood with her mouth wide in a silent scream. Slowly, the blue color dripped down from her eyes and out in smoky, misty whisps. Life breathed back into her body as she gasped and choked on the scream that had stuck in her throat. Doubling over, she coughed and ran two hands over her face to collect herself, staring at her hands. What had happened? Why did she have control over her body again? Why was she in the same place when Ulla had won and could have escaped the library if she wanted? Thirty minutes hadn’t passed yet, the portal was still open. Looking up in confusion, her green eyes met the watery blue ones of someone she thought she had lost forever. Not lost to time or space, Ulla had been lost to herself. Behind the walls of lies and false narratives she built. But this time, looking into her eyes, Donella could see the real Ulla once again.

Ull held out a hand for her partner’s, a shaky hand, and smiled in surprise as her offer was accepted. Helping her stand, Ulla watched as Donella’s mind raced and slowly understood.

“How much did you see?”

The woman asked almost defensively as Ulla just smiled at her. Really truly smiled. Not the wide contrived grin from before, a truly happy smile.

“Enough.”

She replied and watched as Donella flushed, yes actually flushed, and looked away. How long had she spent in her fake delusions about the woman? Long enough to forget who she truly was. But now, now she was ready to learn again. To learn who she was again and maybe, maybe learn how to love again. Though Ulla didn’t think she’d need much help on that part. Not when it was about loving Donella. 

Reaching over with her other hand, she turned the woman’s gaze back towards her own, a thumb gently running over her scars. The ones she caused. Her smile wavered at the memory but returned when Donella leaned into her touch and held the hand against her cheek.

“I’ve missed you. The real you.”

Donella whispered softly and pulled her closer, to which Ulla happily allowed. From now one, she promised herself, no more lies, no more running, no more pretending. For once, Ulla was happy with herself. Because Donella loved her, and if she could still love someone like her after everything that had happened, Ulla could learn to love again too.


	6. Journal Entries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Journal entries from the perspective of Donella at different points in her life

May 26, XXXX

Journal,

I’m not sure what to use you for. My friend Ulla decided to gift you to me for my birthday. She said it would be a good place to write down all my “smart ideas”. I don’t really know what she’s talking about, but writing in you seems to make her happy. She’s sitting next to me right now, playing with the grass. She thinks she’s being sneaky but I can see her glancing up and trying to watch me write. Peripheral vision. Apparently she thinks I’m interesting, she’d be the first. Did you know that she’s the first person to give me a gift besides mom and dad? So I guess you’re my first present. And now I’m talking to a blank book, or writing. Don’t expect me to use you often, I’m just doing this because Ulla seems happy about it. Recess is almost over, maybe I’ll use you for notes.

Donella

  
  


May 28, XXXX

Journal,

You may have noticed that I’ve taken some alchemy notes in you for school. Well apparently I’m “not allowed” to do that anymore. Ulla caught me and said that “this journal is supposed to be used for YOUR ideas!” Even though you’re my gift, I don’t get it either. You would think that an alchemy nerd would like school. She also said that I’m too practical and that I need to enjoy myself more. I’ll leave that to her, we can’t have two aloof imaginatives together, nothing would get done. Ulla had suggested I turn this into a quote “feelings journal” I gagged at the thought. I don’t need my gift turning into some sort of blackmail material. She said that thought was crazy and bumped my shoulder before going home, she’s too trusting for her own good. Guess I’ll just have to protect her. But for now I have to figure out what to do with you. 

Donella

  
  
  


June 20, XXXX

Journal,

It’s been a bit since we last spoke. I’ve been using you as a notebook for Ulla and my experiments, though you probably already knew that. Well, you’re not sentient but I talk to you like you are. Is it weird that I tell you more things than my actual friends? Well, friend. There’s only one. I guess it’s easier to talk to you because you won’t judge me or do some gross feely speech, and I don’t have to be afraid of you telling others because you don’t have a mouth, or a brain. Sorry. Great this is turning into a feeling rant, disgusting. Anyways, school is nearly over and Ulla actually asked to hang out with me over the summer. That’s new. She invited me over tonight to do more of our experiments, I’ll keep you noted on those. She always talks about doing something great with alchemy to help people, sometimes she gets so excited she makes me believe that I can help people too. Weird right? Like I could help anyone.

Donella

  
  


September 9, XXXX

Hi Journal,

I’m sorry we haven’t spoken much over the summer. Ulla has been taking up most of my time but I guess you understand that. She’s a handful. I know it’s out there but sometimes I think that she actually likes me, which is impossible because she’s great and I’m. Well I’m me, no one likes that. But apparently I’m wrong because Ulla said she likes me, repeatedly. She won’t stop and honestly it’s a little annoying. Sweet but annoying. Seriously I don’t understand how she can always find something nice to say about me or anyone. She just kinda does. It would be impressive if I actually believed it. I kinda forgot there I was going with this. Anyways, school’s starting again which means I’ll be busier. Ulla and I both want to make honors this year, she had suggested a study group but I work better alone. Maybe partners, you think that’s a good idea? You can’t respond so I’ll take that as a yes. I’ll ask her later. 

Don (Ulla gave me a nickname that I don’t hate)

  
  
  


September 9, XXXX

Journal,

Does that date look familiar? Yeah sorry for forgetting about you for three years. I didn’t realize that I shoved you under the bed and well, time flies. Ulla and I are both out of school now, nothing eventful really. I found you again because I’m currently packing to go to the Dark Kingdom. Ulla and I both found a job there and well, it seems like we’re just meant to be together. Gross, that disgusted myself I apologize. But you know what I mean, not together together like. Friends. We’re friends. Or at least I think we are. Should I ask her just to make sure?

Okay I did and she called me an idiot. So I think that means we’re friends. I told her about how I found you again and she encouraged me to take you with us on our journey. I guess anything beats the underside of my bed, right? Sorry about that again but I guess you don’t have eyes. Or a brain, or sentience. And I’m talking to you again. You know, I always say that things are bound to change but when I read back I realized somethings. First, I’m still treating you like you’re alive and that’s a little strange, but also after all these years Ulla and I are still friends. Maybe some things don’t change.

Don

  
  
  


July 8, XXXX

Journal, 

Men. Yeah, this entry is going to be rough. We’ve been in the Dark Kingdom for some time now and are both settling into our positions. But I guess things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows like Ulla thinks they are. Well things are fantastic for her. She has a boy toy now. Some meathead knight who probably couldn’t find his way out of a one way tunnel. His friends are idiotic too, a little off. I try my best to avoid them but I guess I’ve been avoiding Ulla in the process. That’s fine though, I don’t need them. I don’t need people. I have you. That sounded less lonely in my head, technically this is still in my head. Ulla still says that she’s my best friend but I don’t know. We barely see each other now. Maybe that’s my fault. It always is. Why isn’t friendship as easy as alchemy? I brush it off when she asks, I just can’t tell her because I don’t even know. I don’t even know what I’m feeling or why I’m mad I just am. And I’m mad that I’m mad! But if I’m being honest, I could really use some advice right now. I’m losing my best friend to some moron and I don’t know how to get her back. Maybe I don’t deserve her. She seems happy without me, and if she’s happy then I’m happy. Or I’m supposed to be happy. A good person would be happy. Why can’t I just be happy for her? Guess I’m just, not good.

I have work to do, things to organize, good night.

Donella

  
  


July 15, XXXX

Journal,

Well it’s official. After a year of dating Ulla and knight boy have decided to get married. Yeah. Can you hear my excitement? No? Because there is none. Why can’t I just be happy for her? Right because I’m a terrible friend, we’ve been over this. Why am I writing to you specifically today? Because it’s their wedding day and when Ulla asked me to be her bridesmaids I panicked or whatever. Something stupid, maybe I was mad. Doesn’t matter because I said no. I said no and I know she hates me for it, I could tell. I told her I had work to do, and I do. I just- decided that work was more important than my best friend. Maybe I’m not cut out for this friend thing. Hopefully Ulla is so mad at me she never talks to me again and gets a new best friend. Maybe that Adira girl? I don’t know, just someone better. Even knight boy is a better option than I am at this point. She deserves someone who smiles like her and laughs with her and has fun alongside her. Everyone in the kingdom wonders why she stays around me. They’re terrible at whispering, or maybe they don’t care. I find that people are open about their whispers and secrets around me because they know I have no one to tell them to. But this is not about me. It’s about Ulla. She deserves someone better and one day she’s gonna realize that and leave. I guess I’ll just go on the defensive and prepare myself for that.

Donella

May 29, XXXX

Journal,

There are many things that happened this year so I’ll keep it brief. Ulla and knight boy had a child. It’s gross, I do not like it. But more important than that title menace, I’ve discovered a book. An old old book, sorry are you jealous? Don’t worry you’re still my favorite book. I hope you believe that when I say it, I know it’s hard to believe no matter how much you want to. The book talks about an Eternal Library, can you imagine all the knowledge? I was planning to leave first thing this morning but you’ll never guess what happened. Ulla stopped me. She said she wanted to come. To be with me. I told her she had a family and other obligations but she chose me. No one chooses me. I’m not even an option most of the time, but she chose me. We’re leaving tonight, I wanted to give her time to say goodbye. She said it would be like the old days, just the two of us again. Just me and her and adventure and everything- for the first time in a while things feel right again. Like actually right. Maybe everything will work out like she said it would, maybe things are still good between us. We’ve started talking again recently and like all those years ago, she makes me feel like I can be good.

Don (the little thing calls me Don-Don. I hate that)

June 18, XXXX

Journal,

I know I usually only talk to you when things happen but, well I don’t know. I’m feeling a lot do things right now and I need somewhere to put them. I may rip out the page later. I suppose I’ll give you a report though, the trials are being completed one by one and Ulla has brought along a journal of her own to document our research. Now to the reason I’m writing. For one of our totems it ended with me hanging off the side of a ravine with Ulla reaching for the totem. Don't ask how we got there. She could have chosen to grab the totem first but she chose me. She chose me over the totem even though the thing was seconds from falling. I don’t understand, I asked her and I still don’t. She just said “well obviously I’d choose you over some silly totem” but that’s not true. The totem is legendary, it’s precious. It’s so much more than anything I could give her. But still she chose me against all logic and reason. For some reason she chooses me a lot. I don’t know how to feel about this. Anyone else could have just let me fall, I wouldn’t blame them. It was my stupidity that got me into the situation and mine alone. She could have left me but she didn’t- I’m sorry for the ramble this time journal, I just don’t understand myself. I thought by writing it would help but I guess not.

Ulla’s sitting next to me but I’m pretty sure she’s asleep, the fire always does that to her. Last time she rested her head on my shoulder and maybe I’m hoping she does it again. It’s easier to sleep with her around.

Don

  
  
  


July 26, XXXX

Journal, 

I know I’m not the feeling type but I think I’ve finally figured things out, and after I say this I have to hide you from Ulla. I think I’m in love. Like actually in love, I don’t know. Is it normal to feel like you’re going to faint each time a specific person smiles at you or touches you? I never smile but Ulla can make me grin just by looking at me. And her laugh, oh Demanitus you’d wish you had ears just to hear her laugh. She’s everything and more. But there’s a problem, well many many problems. Like always. I’m nothing that she deserves, and I’m just nothing. Ulla deserves someone whole and she had that someone, she has a family. She has a family already. I can’t take that from her, even if it means being alone forever. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else besides her, but I can’t bear to take her away from the people she loves. Does that make me a bad person? Just thinking about it? I would never do it. I'm okay with being alone. I’m used to being alone, maybe I deserve to be alone.

Speaking of her, I can barely think about her without grinning. I never grin but you knew that. She’s looking over at me from across the fire, she just asked what was so funny. I’ll shake my head and finish writing. She’s been, saying some weird things lately. About power and the library. Sometimes I wonder what's happening in her head. I’m sure it’s nothing, Ulla couldn’t possibly want to do anything bad. She’s Ulla. Pretty and happy and perfect and I’m disgusting myself but still. I’m usually the one to shoot down her ideas and pull her back from daydreams but- she just gets so happy when she muses about that and her nose crinkles in the cutest way that makes my heart skip a beat. Though that’s not technically possible. Maybe this time I don’t want to be the bad guy, the realist. Maybe this time I want to let her dream. It’s just a little dreaming, what can go wrong?

Donnie (that’s what she calls me to get what she wants, and it works)

  
  


April 28, XXXX

Journal,

This is it, after nearly a year of research and traveling I think we’ve finally done it. I didn’t think it would take this long but apparently documents weren’t that thorough in Demanitus’s time. That also means that it’s been a year with just me and Ulla. It’s been nice, just being with her and traveling again. She said that we should do this more often and I agree. There’s so much more that’s out there for both of us and I think this trip has proven it. There’s a future out there for us. Who knows, when we get back maybe I’ll consider allowing knight boy and the child to come along with us next time. That way she still has her family with her. Sometimes I wish that I could be selfish enough to take her for myself, to take her far away from the Dark Kingdom and run away with her. But even I’m not terrible enough to do that. I’ll never do something to hurt her like that. I’d never forgive myself if she got hurt, and she’s not going to. We’re so close and just think about how much this Library could help people. In a way, I guess Ulla was right. She always said that she’d help people one day and she’s going to help so many people. She’d helped me. And, in a way, she’s helped me help people. Maybe she was right about me being good.

She’s sleeping right now, like always. I don’t think she knows about my late night watches and writing session to you. Ulla mumbles in her sleep, something about power again. I’m sure it’s nothing. It doesn’t matter, because tomorrow, nothing will be the same. 

Don

  
  
  


April 30, XXX

Journal,

This will be my final entry to you. Consider this the end of a chapter. What have I learned? Trust is for fools. Love is for idiots. Emotions are for morons. I’m all three and more. A traitor, a failure, how did I ever let myself believe there was anything good in me? Anything worthwhile? Oh that’s right, because of her. And now she’s the one suffering for my mistakes. I can’t stop thinking about what she said “Are you really betraying me, Don?” I guess the truth was that I betrayed her the second I started to love her. I guess I wanted to believe she could possibly love me back, so that I didn’t have to accept the fact that I’m unlovable. And I blinded myself in the process. I thought if I let her have fun she’d like me, maybe even something more, now she’s gone. Serves me right. Selfish. I'm too weak to face the Dark Kingdom. Everyone already thinks I killed her, I might as well have. They can think what they want, I deserve it. I deserve their whispers and side eyes and the loneliness rumors bring. Whoever I was before is gone, she died with Ulla. I’m done.

At least I’ll never be able to look at myself again without remembering, a fitting punishment. Doctors said that the wound would leave a scar but it would heal alright. Wounds heal, scars remain.

Trust and love gets you nowhere, remember that. 

Goodbye,

Donella

  
  



	7. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Donella trapped herself in the library with Ulla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// This is HURT/COMFORT so there is some softness at the end. I just- I'm really soft about them

The ground around her, cracked bricks and dust underneath the faint teal mist of the Eternal Library, was pierced quickly with blue gems. Some shattered into pieces when hitting the green shield of what seemed to be pure energy she created from her forearm. The gems glistened for a moment before disappearing. 

“Ulla stop! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

The gray haired woman cried out sternly, her voice monotonous for the most part. Firm and cold, just like Donella. But there was something different, a slight crack in her familiar words, how the cadence shook just barely at the end. Her green eyes narrowed as energy crackled along her fingertips. Her partner, her friend, flashed a wide smile. How strange that a smile that used to make her giddy could fill her with such sinking dread. She was slipping, well, it was clear that she had slipped a long time ago. Falling through the cracks in her own facade and yet Donella wasn’t there to catch her. She wasn’t there to save her. She let her go, let her fall. 

“That’s what you always said, Don!” Her tone, harsh and unstable, flickered like the wide crooked grin on her face. She was unhinged, her hair disheveled and frizzy as she tilted her head to the side and raised her hands. Fingers arched as blue gems appeared in the air. “But you have no idea what I’m capable of!” She cackled as the gems shot forwards, trying to lodge themselves into the woman she once trusted with her life. Now she’d take hers.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

She mumbled mostly to herself, ducking behind her self made shield to protect her body from the gems that buried themselves into the bookshelves before disappearing. How long had she ignored Ulla’s delusions? How long did she turn a blind eye to her darkness? How long did she let her slip away?

“Ulla, I won’t fight you!”

Donella called out and blocked another rain of gemstone bullets, cowering behind her shield. She was used to cowering, hiding away from the truth that was right in front of her.

Hiding away from the person Ulla was becoming because she was too terrified to admit it to herself. Too much of a coward to accept the fact that the one person, the one person she decides to let break down her walls, became a monster. Did Ulla become a monster because of her? Maybe it was her fault, her fault that it turned out like this. Maybe this was the world’s cruel way of reminding her that she was destined to be alone, and how there was no point in fighting against destiny. She thought she could fight it with Ulla, thought they could face anything together. But she was wrong. Donella always knew Ulla was good. Ulla was the unattainable, her better opposite. She was wrong, but right about something. She was nothing like Ulla.

“Then I guess you’ll make my job easier.” 

Ulla replied, that chipper tone she always had was so much more ominous than before. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, she was simply taking what was rightfully hers. Knowledge. Donella stood in her way, so she had to be taken care of. It was the way of the world, no point in going against it. The world saw them as opposites. Donella was dark, she was cold and emotionless and calculating. She was the traitor. Ulla, well she couldn’t possibly be. She was just talking what was hers. Right? Gritting her teeth to stop her mind from running, she lifted both hands, a larger gem appeared in front of her. It stood around her height, with a razor sharp point. Donella’s pleading words were barely whispers as she looked up across the library. Oh how things had changed. 

“Last chance, Don. Throw a punch, make things a little more interesting.”

Ulla’s eyes narrowed slightly, a challenge. Her tone was taunting but she was pleading. Please give me a reason to fight you. A reason to convince myself that you’re the traitor. Give me a reason to hate you.

Donella’s eyes just narrowed as she strengthened her shield and made it larger.

“At least I won’t die a traitor.”

The words felt like a lie as they left her lips.

She was the traitor in a way. She may not have turned on the world but she turned on her world. Ulla. Donella let her down, let her descend into this villainy. Maybe she was trying to be good, to be happy and carefree like Ulla. To go against her nature and try to be someone others would like. There was no point in trying to be someone she wasn’t. There was no point in trying. Look what that got her.

There was a crack in Ulla’s expression at Don’s words, the game faltering in front of her. Die? She didn’t want Donella to- did she? What did she want? Ulla took a small step backwards, her hand shaking as she looked down at them. What did she- no! Her hands tightened into fists as she squeezed her eyes shut for a few brief moments. She wasn’t the traitor, she knew what she wanted, she was in too deep to back out now. There were no words said, she didn’t know what to say. Didn’t want her voice to betray her and reveal her uncertainty. Her hands pushed forwards, her weapon flying across the battlefield effortlessly. Time slowed as the gem collided with the shield. Ulla saw Donella’s eyes widen with- fear? Donella was afraid? As the blue gem met its target, it shattered loudly and into many tiny pieces. Donella gritted her teeth as the force alone knocked her off her feet, luckily at the end of its attack. Taking a breath, she dropped the shield completely and focused her energy on a different spell. A containment spell. If she was going to die here, then she would die while preventing Ulla from destroying herself and everyone else around her. A hazy blue forcefield blocking the exit appeared. She flew through the air, twisting once before colliding with the wall and dropping limply onto the ground. Unmoving.

Ulla gasped, having come down from her power high to witness the aftermath. Her aftermath. The gems disappeared as quickly as they had attacked. Her hands, she stared at them shaking before hugging them to her chest.

“D-Don?”

Her voice was barely a whisper but it echoed through the Eternal Library. What had she? She was a monster.

Donella slowly picked herself up, still in shock that she was even alive. She shouldn’t be alive. She didn’t deserve to be alive. Her head was ringing, spinning as she looked around, trying to understand the broken pieces. Their broken pieces. A hand lifted and touched the pain on her right cheek, lowering to reveal red liquid coating her fingertips. A gasp pulled her from her thoughts as Ulla touched the forcefield that contained the two. It was supposed to contain anything living inside the Library. It was supposed to only contain her.

“Don I-“ Turning to face Donella, oh no- what had she done to her? She broke into a run, completely dropping the act she had earlier in her worry and panic for her friend. Just like Ulla to lead with her heart and not her brain. Her heart had cried out for power a few moments prior, but now they called out for Don and only Don. “I’m so sorry! Let me help!” Her hand reached out, reached out for her. She could help her, fix what she had done. This wasn’t- this wasn’t how things were supposed to play out. They could fix this.

Her hand faltered when Donella flinched violently. Don never flinched. She was cold, unmoving, collected. Donella was strong and unmoving and composed. She wasn’t this. 

“Get- get away from me!” 

Donella snapped though her voice had no malice, eyes glistened with true fear as she held her hands up, bloodied hands. Trying to protect herself from Ulla. Donella was, Donella was afraid of her. Ulla’s hand dropped as she stumbled back, reeling from her own actions. Her own stupid actions, but they were all hers. Don looked, unwell. In her state a spell like that would have, could have killed her. It should have killed her. Her green eyes traveled back down to her hands, vision blurry as she swayed and tried to push off the ground. Then, nothing.

Her green eyes fluttered open and squinted, wondering if the haze was due to the teal mist inside the library, or pure head trauma. Donella couldn’t exactly tell but from how her head was spinning and the fact that the little diffused light in the library made her feel sick, she safely concluded it was a little of both. Blinking, she turned her head, wondering why the ground didn’t feel hard underneath her hair. And was it- raining? In the library? Two drops fell onto her temple, she reached her hand up to wipe them away but a different thumb beat her to it. 

“What the-“

Turning her head to the side, she made out the familiar silhouette of the woman she thought she had lost forever just a few moments prior. She assumed it was a few moments, she couldn’t have been crying for that long. Not about Donella anyway. Don wasn’t worth the tears. Wasn’t worth it. At her words, Ulla had looked up from where her face was covered by her hands, her blue eyes relieved but also filled with remorse.

“I- I’m so sorry Don! I know you don’t like people touching you but you just looked so hurt after I-“ Her words were quickly strung together, flowing into each other as she spoke rapidly. Donella was used to hearing her like this, her words often rapid in excitement, but this time it was panic. Don was the only person who could even understand her when she spoke like this. “And I just couldn’t leave you there and- and I tried to heal you but you’ve always been better at that magic an-“ Ulla was cut off by Don, like always. Donella was always the one to raise a hand and stop her rambles for the sake of efficiency. Though this time it wasn’t the harsh gesture or a quick glare, it was the cupping of her cheek. A touch so gentle and intimate, especially from Donella, that Ulla was at a loss for words. And she was never at a loss for words.

“It’s okay, it’s my fault anyway.” 

Her voice was breathy and light as she spoke with her head elevated, resting in Ulla’s lap.

How strange that just a few days ago it was Ulla who had been resting in hers. There were words left unsaid in the air, left trapped behind closed lips and inside her mind. It was her fault, it was always her fault. Her fault for letting her go, her fault for letting her slip, her fault for letting her in. It was her fault for loving her. How dare she? How dare she love Ulla when she herself was unlovable? This is what happened when she tried to break down her walls, walls that were built for a reason. They caused her pain, yes, but they protected everyone else. They protected Ulla, and she let them fall for her, let herself fall for her.

“No- no Don no.” 

Ulla’s hand held Donella’s against her cheek, her head leaning into the touch. Why was it that Donella was comforting her? She always gave so much, put everyone before herself. Why couldn’t she hate her for everything? Ulla deserved it. Why couldn’t Donella just hate her? She shook her head, eyes closing as tears streamed down her cheeks, traveling down the same path as before. Donella’s thumb wiped some of them away, Ulla’s hand tightened around her fingers.

“But it is. If I had been careful enough I could have saved you. Maybe even both of us.”

Donella mumbled and used her other hand to sit up slowly, despite Ulla’s objections. She groaned softly and brought one knee up, resting her chin there. “If I had just been enough-“ 

She mumbled softly, bitterly at herself as her hand clenched into a fist. The hand on Ulla’s cheek lowered but still held hers. It just felt right to hold hers.

Ulla held Don’s hand with both of her own, feeling Donella’s thumb run over her knuckles as she did her best to stop the tears. She wasn’t supposed to cry, not when it was her fault.

“Don-“

Ulla hated when Donella spoke of herself like this, hated it when Donella even thought about herself like this. She knew her words were never able to convince her otherwise, but that wouldn’t stop her from insisting and reassuring her of her value.

Shifting so that she was sitting in front of her next to her bent knee, Ulla reached out and paused for a moment. She knew Donella wasn’t a fan of strangers touching her, but she wasn’t a stranger, right? Maybe she was. She was a stranger to herself at least. After everything she did, how could they ever trust again? How could Don ever feel safe around her again? To her surprise, the woman leaned forward slightly, prompting Ulla to take her face in her hands, one hand remained on the woman’s chin while the other rested on her uninjured cheek. Looking into her eyes, she watched as Donella struggled to maintain eye contact. Of course, how could Don ever look at her again?

“You are more than enough.”

Ulla whispered softly, Donella’s eyes darted towards hers for a second. She could have disagreed, she could have. But Ulla’s tone was so sincere, so genuine that she couldn’t find the words. Oh no, she had tricked her. She had tricked Ulla into thinking she was someone worthwhile, but instead of trying to convince her otherwise. Well, Donella didn’t. Maybe she wanted to live in this lie for a while, this fantasy where she was someone good. Tears welled up in her eyes to Ulla’s shock. Donella never cried. Taken aback, she started to remove her hands.

“Don I’m sorry I-“

Her apologies were cut off by Donella’s arms pulling her into a tight hug, the woman’s face buried into Ulla’s shoulder. Her body shook as she sobbed softly, Ulla’s fingers gently combed through her messy hair while her other arm held Donella close. Even injured Don was still so strong, so capable, everything Ulla loved about her and more.

“I’m sorry I just-“

Donella gasped out in hiccups as she shook her head. She hated this, hated being so vulnerable. She didn’t deserve any of it, this comfort, Ulla, or even being alive. She didn’t deserve to cry. Not when she brought this upon herself. Ulla’s fingers against her scalp calmed her slightly, the woman even shushed softly which made Donella’s shoulders relax. Around Ulla she was safe, she was home. Or at least she felt that way.

Leaning into Don’s hand as it rested against the back of her head, Ulla sighed softly and pulled her closer. She didn’t know how much Donella needed to be held, she didn’t think that Donella even liked hugs. But she was wrong about many things, wrong about Don and herself. Feeling her sobs start to die down, Ulla didn’t pull away. She didn’t want to pull away, to let go of her and break this moment. But more importantly, she wanted Don to finally receive the affection she needed, for however long she wanted. Donella had always been the one to give, to give Ulla restraint, patience, foresight. It was Ulla’s turn to finally give her what Don wouldn’t allow herself. Vulnerability. Or at least she’d help her attain some. Once the woman felt her friend start to pull away, she did the same though her arms stayed around her, wrapped around her waist and keeping Donella partially in her lap. 

Don could have pulled away if she wanted to, but she didn’t. Instead she reached a hand up while the other rested on the cool floor and touched her previously injured cheek, delicate fingers running over the raised skin that reflected the dim light of the library’s mist. A permanent mark to remind her of her mistakes, if she wasn’t able to look at herself before, how could she now? She herself became a constant reminder of how she failed. Her eyes fell instinctively to the floor, turning her head slightly to hide her cheek from Ulla.

“Don, I’m so sorry I- you were always better at healing magic and I panicked and-“

This was just like Ulla. Panic and give into impulsiveness, in the end creating something irresistible. Both Donella and Ulla knew that their magic wasn’t strong enough to take away scars after they healed over. This was all her fault, she couldn’t fix this mistake, nor could she fix her greatest as her eyes drifted to the barrier.

“It’s okay.”

Donella’s hand covered her cheek out of shame, fingers gently curling as she felt the raised skin underneath her palm. 

“Guess I deserve this, now my face matches what I am inside.”

She replied with a harsh chuckle, her weak attempt at some sort of humor that failed to lighten the mood. Her eyes stayed glued to Ulla’s lap, too ashamed to look up at her as she wiped away her remaining tears. She hated feeling this vulnerable, like a burden. Ulla’s fist hitting the ground pulled her violently from her thoughts.

“Just shut up Don!”

Okay, Donella actually snapped out of her self hatred and leaned back a bit. Not the reaction she was expecting as she stared at Ulla with wide eyes, absolutely speechless. Ulla didn’t know what she was saying or what she should say. All she knew was that she listened to her heart, Donella was always the brains of the group, and her heart was fired up because of how utterly incorrect Don was. She was absolutely livid at her.

“Ulla, what the h-“

“You are too good to be talking about yourself like this!”

Her words meant well but the tone was, confusing. But when wasn’t Ulla confusing? Donella just blinked at her, maybe Ulla hit her head as well? There was no way, no way that she was calling Donella good. Ulla was the good one, the light, and Donella, well, no one would be surprised to learn that she was a traitor.

Ulla knew that Don didn’t believe her, in a way it was her own fault. She never stopped Don from saying those things about herself before, never thought it was her place. She never stopped the whispers even though she knew how much they hurt her partner. Though Donella would never admit that. Ulla didn’t think it was her place. Well now her place was by Donella’s side, in anyway she knew how. Ulla wasn’t the good one, the light as a Donella always put it. No matter how pure her light was, there was an equal darkness that lingered deep inside. However, the same was true for Don, and oh Demanitus did she have so much light in her, even if she was afraid to let it be seen. To be seen in general. Donella always lurked in the shadows, Ulla used to think it was because she hated people, which was still the case. Though now it was clear that lurking was a method of self defense, to protect her heart. No one could hurt you if they never got close enough to strike. Well, Ulla got close enough, she was so lucky to get so close, and look what she decided to do.

“So just shut up!”

Ulla let out a little angry huff and stood up, walking towards the barrier so that her back was towards Donella. Gritting her teeth as she shook her head in regret at her words. Why did she always seem to make things worse? She should have learned to control herself, to contain her outbursts. Why did she never learn? Ulla crosses her arms across her chest and sighed, hanging her head. If Donella didn’t hate her now, she would soon. All this thinking about wanting to help her open up, only to snap at her. Though for the right reasons, Ulla shook her head at herself again. Stupid. She was pulled from her spiral by a strange noise, something she never really heard before.

Donella turned to stare at Ulla as she walked away, stunned for a few seconds as she sat on the floor. Then, the hand covering her scars moved to her mouth. She snorted, yes snorted, with laughter and desperately tried to contain her growing glee, covering her mouth with her hands as she leaned back slightly. Nearly crying from laughter to Ulla’s horror. 

“You- you’re an idiot!”

Donella eventually squeaked out through her cackling as she held her stomach. Ulla had never seen Donella laughing this hard, the most she got was the occasional scoff. She didn’t even care that Don just insulted her to her face, it was nice to hear her laugh. Like she was seeing another side of Don, the one she kept hidden. Ulla scoffed and tucked a stray strand of fiery red hair behind her ear. Lips flicking into her signature crooked smile.

“You really tried to make me feel better with that?”

“Yeah- I guess so.”

She mumbled a little sheepishly, absolutely infatuated by Donella’s laughter, and the fact that she had caused it. Donella was laughing because of her, well, at her but still. That was the best she’d get out of Don. Walking over, she reached out a hand to help the woman up who was finally calming down, and just as quickly as her laughter started, it ended and her icy natured returned. She cleared her throat and walked over to the barrier, looking up at it and through to the portal. That outburst was just what she needed to regulate her emotions and snap herself out of self pity.

“There’s no way out, is there?”

Ulla asked softy, watching as Donella clasped her hands behind her back and nodded grimly. The woman closed her green eyes and sighed, her shoulders dropping.

“Not in our physical bodies.”

Her tone was calculated but Ulla could sense just the slightest hint of regret. Walking over, she nudged the taller woman with her elbow. Her eyes twinkling to make a joke, but upon seeing the utter despair in Donella’s eyes, she refrained. She controlled herself for once.

“This is all my fault.”

Donella muttered and rubbed her temples with her hands. This truly was all her fault, she cast the spell in the end, no matter which way you wanted to argue. She sighed heavily, clenching her jaw in fury towards herself. She was an idiot, a love struck fool. 

“Don, we’ve been over this, it’s not your fault.” 

Ulla took the woman’s hands away from her temples and held them, leaning down to catch her gaze. She bit her lip like she was fighting back a question she knew she had to refrain from asking. This wasn’t about her, it never should have been about her in the first place, not without Donella. The woman caught her eyes and just sighed loudly, leaning backwards but not letting go of her hands. It just felt natural to hold her hands, to have their fingers intertwined. Donella always had such cold hands, and Ulla’s were warm and full of life. Scientifically it just made sense, thermal equilibrium. Donella trusted science, but maybe it was wrong in this case. But things felt right, they always did when she was with Ulla.

“You obviously want to ask something. Out with it.”

Donella could read Ulla like the scrolls they sifted through, she knew how her eyes sparkled and nose crinkled in the cutest way that made her heart leap meant that she had something on her mind. Fortunately or unfortunately for Donella, Ulla always had something on her mind.

“I was just- wondering why you didn’t save yourself?”

Ulla asked softly, her voice died off towards the end. Donella could have, should have easily escaped. She was an incredible fighter and even better at getting out of sticky situations, she could have saved herself. So why didn’t she? Ulla knew the answer, or she thought she did. Don always seemed to get into harm’s way because of her, to save her from the consequences of her own actions. This time was no different, and Ulla continued to drag Donella down with her.

The taller woman just shrugged at her and dropped their hands to clasp her own behind her back. She rocked back and forth, shifting the weight from her toes to her heels and back to the middle.

“Do you really think I’d make the same mistake again?”

Her tone was almost a sneer as she spoke, though Ulla was used to that with Donella. Hiding behind a cold exterior made it easier to brush off other’s indifference. Acting indifferent herself made brushing off rejection easier. It was simpler to be harsh than to be sincere and open and vulnerable, it was safer to be undesirable. Donella cleared her throat, obviously evaluating whether she should continue.

“I wasn’t going to let you slip away a second time.”

She muttered softly through the library was so quiet that anything she said was ten times louder than usual. Looking over at the woman, the blue light of the barrier as well as the teal mist of the library illuminating her features, Ulla sighed and couldn’t help but smile through the gnawing guilt in her stomach. If only Donella didn’t care about her, if only she didn’t care. She should have left Ulla behind, it was what she deserved. But Donella was too good for that, too good to give Ulla her rightful punishment.

“Well, there’s no one else I’d rather be trapped with for the rest of time than you.”

She replied and watched as Donella’s gaze slowly traveled back to her. There was disbelief in her eyes, a gaze she often had at any sort of compliment. Kind words washed off Donella quickly, harsh words seemed to stick around her forever. She scoffed at Ulla’s comment, trying to brush it off like always.

“Don,”

Ulla reached over and cupped her face, turning it towards her. Her thumb hesitated before carefully tracing her scars. Donella reached up quickly and was about to swat her hand away before she stopped and slowly leaned into the touch. Closing her eyes and rested her raised hand on Ulla’s wrist, keeping her hand there.

She sighed softly and for the first time, felt okay with someone seeing her like this. Seeing her without her defenses. Especially when that someone was Ulla, who was looking at her like she was everything that was good in the world. Who looked at her in a way that made her feel like she was something good.

“There is no one, no one I’d rather be with than you.”

Ulla emphasized each word, wanting to make sure that Donella not only understood but also believed her. With Quirin and her son Donella had always put them ahead of herself because they were ever family in her terms, but Donella was basically family to Ulla as well, more than family. Donella understood her when Quirin didn’t, and while he was always supportive, he never truly loved Ulla’s alchemy, a part of herself he swept under the rug. He pretended, like Ulla, that the darkness that lurked wasn’t there. Donella faced everything head on, she was good for Ulla, forced her to grow and become someone better. She hoped that they could be good enough for each other. Or just enough.

Donella just shook her head at her and tighten her hand around the other woman’s wrist. She wanted to push her away, to tell her to stop this nonsense. She wanted to pull her closer, to beg her to never let her go. She didn’t know what she wanted. But she knew she wanted Ulla. And maybe that would be enough.

“Well, out with it.”

Ulla demanded, mocking Donella’s tone from before which actually got a small smile out of the woman. Her thumb traced along Don’s cheekbone as Ulla grinned to herself, trying to calm her skipping heart. There was that little smile that made her melt. Like how Donella could tell when Ulla had something on her mind, Ulla could as well. Though Don was always the more observant, Ulla could recognize that little squint and huff when Donella was battling her inner thoughts and debating with her mind. Sighing, the woman rolled her eyes.

“I just don’t understand why, I have nothing to give you.”

Donella mumbled, was it selfish to keep Ulla’s hand against her cheek? If it was, then maybe she didn’t want to be selfless, at least not in this moment. But it was true, she had nothing to give her. Even her heart, something that Ulla basically stole, wasn’t something anyone would want. It was bruised and tattered and untrusting and closed and just simply broken. She was broken. Maybe even beyond repair, but her broken heart still beat, right? Ulla huffed softy and smiled at her, her eyes filled with sadness. But not pity, that was what Don liked about Ulla, one of the things she loved about her. Ulla never pitied her, Donella hated pity. It made her feel more pathetic than she already was. 

“You don’t have to give me anything, I don’t want anything from you but you.”

Donella blinked at her in surprise, who would want her with no other motivations? Who would want her? All her broken and messed up pieces that didn’t even come together to build something whole, someone whole. Who would want her? Ulla did. Apparently.

Ulla stood on her toes to get more eye level with Donella, she wanted to see her fully, the real her without all these walls she built for herself. But that would take time, luckily they had all the time in the world, and these first few steps.

“But- but I’ll never be enough.”

Ulla winced at those words, the phrases that slipped out of Donella’s lips so effortlessly. She had said them too many times. 

“But you- you’re everything to me. I’ll never be what you deserve.”

Her words choked slightly as Donella reached to brush Ulla’s hair out of her face. She always had such messy hair.

“Can we just be each other’s everything? Would that be enough?”

She breathed out, watching as Donella hesitated before nodding in her hands. Ulla didn’t realize how Don’s hands found themselves around her waist, the touch felt so natural as she leaned forwards, their foreheads pressing together. Donella closed her eyes for a few moments before opening them to stare into Ulla’s. She could get lost in those eyes if she wasn’t careful. And Ulla didn’t want to be careful. What was it that Donella called her? Reckless? Maybe she was.

Eventually, Donella nodded, Ulla's words echoing in her mind. *Would that be enough?* Of course she'd be enough, Ulla was more than enough for her. After- after everything she'd never guess that someone like Ulla would walk into her life and decide to stay. Even with her walls and insistence to push her away, Ulla chose to stay. Ulla chose her. The only issue was that she'd never be enough for Ulla, how could she ever be enough for the most wonderful girl in the entire universe when she was barely enough for the average person. And how did she ever manage to convince the most wonderful girl in the entire universe to see something more in her when Donella knew there was absolutely nothing there, absolutely nothing more.

"What are you thinking about?" Donella's thoughts stopped spiraling as that voice, her voice, pulled her back into reality. And in reality she was standing in the Eternal Library with the girl she had been pining for since- well since ever, and that girl was staring at her like nothing else mattered. Staring at her like she mattered.

Ulla squinted slightly as she stared into Don's eyes, noticing that familiar glaze they had over them whenever her partner was lost in thought. Her fingers carefully brushed the stray gray hairs back behind her ear, noticing how her eyes flickered before resting on her. She wished she could understand what Donella was thinking, what thoughts caused her to look so sad behind those green eyes. She hoped that, eventually, she could understand when Donella trusted her enough. She hoped that they could learn to trust again after everything she had done.

"You," Donella replied with a small shrug, that was the truth in a way. When was she not thinking about Ulla? Apparently when it mattered, but that was beside the point. Beside the current moment. Why couldn't she just focus, stop her brain from running wild and focus on her? Ulla deserved someone who didn't have to steer their mind away from long tangents, someone who could give her everything. The way the shorter woman turned her head to the side slightly and wrinkled her nose made Don's heart absolutely melt. She felt that shy smile creep on to her lips as she ducked away, only for Ulla to turn her head back gently, back towards her.

Ulla scoffed in response to Donellas's answer but decided that she wouldn't pry. She'd learn to hold back for her. Anything for her. Well maybe she- Ulla didn't realize she had started to lean forwards until she and Donella were practically sharing the same breath. Stopping abruptly, she didn't even realize that Don didn't seem to pull away, too distracted by the rush of heat and red tint to her cheeks. "I'm sorry I-" She started to pull away but felt Donella's hands move to her back, stopping her gently.

"Wait- please?" Looking into those green eyes, past the fear and uncertainty, Ulla saw something else. Donella glanced down and bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes for a second like she was cutting her losses before continuing. "Please don't pull away." She bit her tongue again, gave into the stupid insecurities she could never outrun, and held her words back. Please don't leave me and become someone different, please don't leave me and discover how worthless I am. Please don't leave me. 

There was a moment, a pause in the movement of time as Ulla nodded slightly and leaned back towards her. She was so close, and for once Donella felt safe enough to let someone get closer. Her breathing halted as Ulla glanced up at her. Was it just her imagination or did her eyes dart down for a split second? She didn't have long to be conflicted on the matter as Ulla piped up and spoke as she always did. 

"Can I-" She hesitated, Ulla almost never hesitated. What was she going to say? Was she going to ask to leave, to take it all back? To tell Don that she got swept up in the moment and didn't actually mean any of it? "Can I kiss you?"

For a second Donella just blinked at her in shock, wanting to make sure she had heard Ulla correctly. Obviously Ulla took that hesitation as a no and started to pull away, her lips frowning slightly as she nodded. "Oh, that's- that's alright. I'm sorry." 

Stupid stupid Donella. Why couldn't she stop pushing people away for 5 minutes? Ulla started to leave and- and Donella couldn't help but remember what happened last time she let her go. Why was her heart pumping so fast? Pull it together. Her hand cupped the woman's face as it turned away, fear across her face. Donella never looked this- vulnerable. Making sure that Ulla was watching, Donella nodded, not wanting to speak as she was sure that she'd say something wrong. She always did.

Luckily Ulla knew her too well, knew that the other look in her eyes, past the fear and confusion, was longing. She knew her well enough to take the lead and rest her hands at the base of Donella's neck while Don fumbled and held her face. Ulla knew her well enough to let her hesitate and stumble and stare at her with nearly helpless desperation to do things right. And when she was ready, only when she was ready, did Ulla start to shift onto her tiptoes. Her hand on her neck signaled to Donella to lean down, of course, she had nearly forgotten in her panic. For once that little voice of doubt quieted in her mind as she felt Ulla's lips against hers. Ulla pressed up and rubbed their noses together, the two grinned at the same time at this. Biting back laughter as neither of them wanted the moment to end. Donella's hands ran back and into Ulla's hair while Ulla's thumbs ran along her jawline. The woman leaned in and pressed her body against Donella, and for once Don didn't stumble backward and brush her off. There was nothing, no Eternal Library, no cursed spell, no stupid nagging voice in the back of her mind. There was only Ulla and herself, and finally, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Yes- I really did write a slow burn as a one shot. I hoped you liked it


	8. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern Melting Point AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //This is based off the modern au by @coloring_the_banner on Instagram!! Please check her out!

“For the final time, Ulla! You are not coming!”

Donella wasn’t sure when her voice had raised or when the conversation had turned into an argument, then a competition to see who could be louder. She wasn’t sure when Ulla had started to stand on her toes to get more eye-level, something she’d do whenever they argued. Needless to say, she didn’t really stand on her toes often. Donella wasn’t sure why she was so angry in the first place. It was just an offhand comment, she mentioned that she’d be going on a research expedition for work, something Ulla had taken an interest in. Well, she had taken a little more than an interest in. What was it that she said? ‘It’ll be like the old days Don! Just you and me and science!’ Maybe she was too quick to shut her down, Donella always seemed to do that. She always seemed to have the wrong tone, the right meaning and a terrible execution. But there wasn’t any time to think about the past and all the mistakes she made to get to this moment where those blue eyes narrowed at her. Ulla stood tall with one hand against the doorway to balance herself on her tiptoes, but even then Don was still staring down at her.

“Why not Don? Don’t you- don’t you want me to come?”

Why was she angry? She couldn’t remember the last time she was this furious with Don. Ulla was livid, absolutely livid at the notion that Don wanted to leave without her, that she wanted to leave her behind. She’d never show that though, she didn’t need Donella’s approval, she didn’t need her. She didn’t. That’s what she told herself, Don was being selfish to prevent her from this opportunity. Don was being selfish. Don was selfish. Maybe she wasn’t angry, maybe it was hurt. Hurt was a tricky emotion, it was vulnerable and terrifying and usually something Ulla was open about. However this hurt, this hurt was personal. Ulla showed her emotions when they were surface levels, allow others to feel as if they were close without actually opening up. This emotion? Well, it was easier to be angry than to let someone see into the deepest parts of your soul. Deep down, way down, Ulla knew she was wrong. She knew she was being selfish to leave her family, but she didn’t want to believe it. So Donella was the villain, of course, she was. Don was cold and mean and cruel and selfish. She was the villain.

“Because you have a family to look after!”

Donella groaned loudly with frustration, gesturing with her arms before pinching the bridge of her nose. she huffed before shaking her head as she tried to calm herself down. Her words came out in a low growl, characteristic of Donella’s calculated and measured fits of cold rage. She got angry, but she considered her words carefully, tried to make some sense of the messy emotion. Why couldn’t Ulla ever take anything seriously? Why did Donella always have to be the bad guy? Well, that question was easily answered. To keep Ulla from making a mistake. Maybe she didn’t want to be the downer and the boring one, but she did it for Ulla. Anything to help Ulla. Donella wanted her there as much as anyone, her best friend at her side. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t take her away from the people who needed her. Even though Don needed her desperately, she gave her up years ago. Gave her up when Ulla told her all about this amazing guy she had met. Donella stepped back and stood on the sidelines and allowed herself to watch the life she wished she had. The life she wanted with Ulla. But Ulla seems to be happy, happy without her. She’d do anything for Ulla’s anything for her to be happy. Anything for her. Even if it meant pain every single day, anything for hers Now she was going to stop Ulla from throwing it all away, she couldn’t give up everything for Donella. Couldn’t give up everything for nothing.

“Oh so now I’m chained down just because I have a family?”

Her voice rose with each word, body shaking as hands clenched into fists. Ulla didn’t, she never liked being held down to one place. She thought Donella knew that, she thought Donella knew her. Blinded by white-hot rage, she hit her fist against the doorframe. Ulla’s anger was explosive and wild, Donella’s irritatingly collected. Why couldn’t Don just raise her voice and yell and scream and throw a fit? Why didn’t Donella ever show any emotions? Why couldn’t she just be the bad guy?

“Well, you’re the one who decided to have a family!” 

Donella hissed back in a cadence like she was trying to explain a concept to a toddler, trying to hide the hurt in her eyes. It was Ulla’s choice to get with that Quirin, to leave behind all they had for him. Donella thought they had something special, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. So she buried her heart, protected it behind walls. Protected herself. It was her decision to start a family, her decision to leave their life behind. Her decision to leave her. She distanced herself from her best friend, just her best friend and nothing more. She couldn’t let herself get close again, couldn’t let herself love again. “Has it ever occurred to you that you have responsibilities? Life isn’t all fun and games Ulla! Sometimes you have to be serious!”

Serious, that’s how someone would describe Donella kindly. Others? Cold, unfeeling, dead inside. She could go on and on. Donella heard all their words, all the whispers, and rumors that flew around her. She told herself she didn’t care, it was easier to not care than to feel anything. But at least she wasn’t weak, wasn’t stupid, wasn’t in love. She may not have many people, but the ones she did have, well she’d do anything for them. Which was why Ulla couldn’t come with her, she couldn’t. It was for the best. It was all for her.

“Serious like you? Ha! Look where that got you! At least I have a family! You! Have! Nobody!”

Ulla was practically shrieking at the top of her lungs, she didn’t even realize what she was saying, she didn’t even know what came over her. All she knew was that she wanted Don to feel bad, to feel terrible like Ulla felt when she realized she was being left behind. It was only after the last words left her lips, only when she saw Don step back for a second and her eyes widened and the hurt shine through, did she realize what she had done. And what had she done?

There was the worst kind of silence between them, that cold and empty silence somehow also filled with unsaid words. Ulla wanted Donella to yell at her, to tell her how awful she was and how horrible of a friend she was. She wanted Donella to scream, to hate her, anything. But she just stood there like always, stood there, and left the emotions to Ulla. Donella opened her mouth, wanting to lose her restraint, wanting to make Ulla regret everything. She could have let go of the years worth of frustrations, everything she longed to say rested at the top of her tongue. She could. But she really couldn’t, not to someone she loved even when she wasn’t loved back. Closing her mouth, Donella leaned back and started to turn on her heel towards her black motorcycle parked in the driveway. Her jaw hardened and even then Ulla knew there was no turning back. She made up her mind. 

“Wait! Wait Don I-“

Normally anything Ulla said would have stopped her dead in her tracks, but as she walked away she felt those walls strengthen around her heart. She was so stupid, stupid to think she didn’t have to build them stronger. They weren’t high enough, weren’t thick enough, weren’t enough. She pushed and protected and distance, did everything in her power to avoid ever feeling that way again, and yet here she was, more hurt than ever.

“Donnie please-“

Ulla hurried after her and grabbed onto the woman’s hand, glancing down to see the tattoo on her ring finger. Their tattoos. In an instant, everything those marks stood for was gone because of her and her big mouth. Her vision blurred as Donella took her hand away fiercely. Donella always did that to others, but never to her. She never did that to Ulla, never treated Ulla like a, like a stranger.

“Don’t call me that. Only my friends can give me nicknames.”

Her voice was so quiet but it didn’t need volume to cut Ulla deeply. That was what drew her to Don, emotionless and smooth so that when she did show the slightest hint of feeling, it meant something more. She knew even from the low whisper, she knew everything from those two short sentences. All that hate and malice usually directed away from her hit her at full force. And she deserved it.

“And apparently, I have nobody.”

That was it, the final nail in the coffin as Donella pulled her hand back and adjusted the sleeve of her jacket like she was brushing away Ulla’s touch. Brushing her away for good. Ulla stood there, unable to speak, unsure of how to remedy the situation. She was never the best at damage control, that was all Donella. It was Donella who knew how to hold her back? How to stop her from making costly mistakes, but she didn’t this time and this mistake cost her everything. Watching as the woman got onto her bike and put on her helmet, Ulla’s previously loud voice could barely make a sound as she heard the engine start if only she could have been this quiet before. If only she had stopped for a second to breathe and thought. If only, if only she wasn’t Ulla. Brash and stupid and selfish. Staring, she watched as she lost her best friend for good. Her hand, still outstretched, dropped to her side as she herself dropped to her knees. What had she done?

Blinking away tears, Donella shook her head to herself as she sped up. She needed this, the movement from the cycle, the noise of the engine, the wind whipping through her jacket and hair. She needed this to distract her. Her vision blurred as she struggled to wipe away the streaks of messy stains on her cheeks. She drove recklessly, making sharp turns and running lights she would normally slow down for. Usually, she’d drive safely, drive safely for Ulla so that she’d be alive to see her again. Everything she lived for was to see Ulla again. To hear her laugh and see her smile and to just be with her, even if she wasn’t with her the way she wanted to be. Well apparently Donella didn’t have anyone or anything to care about anymore, and nobody to care about her. So why did it matter? Why did she matter at all?

She hit the brake out of instinct, whatever little survival instinct she had left without Ulla, the cycle skidded, the car swerved, but mistakes were made. So many mistakes were made.

Cracking open her eyes to the fluorescent lights, the smell of sterilized tools and medicine filled her nose. She knew exactly where she was, the sharp scent of cleaning supplies, mechanical beeping of machines. She hated it. Lifting her head she glanced down at her arms, IV’s littered them and were taped down, probably giving her pain meds and whatever else she needed. She didn’t deserve any of it, didn’t deserve to be taken care of. However, she didn’t dare rip it out, didn’t dare cause a scene. Donella squinted at the stark whiteness of the room, shifting underneath the hospital blanket. She moved her toes, then bent her knee, checking herself over. No major injuries. Superficial scratches and bruises but that didn’t matter. She was fine. This was probably just standard procedure. Don frowned slightly, annoyed with how many wasted resources were being used on her, and that’s when she felt it. That tugging sensation which led to pain in her cheek. Her hand darted upwards, pulling at the needles slightly as her fingertips brushed over gauze and medical tape. How had she not noticed before? Stupid stupidDonella. Touching her hair, she felt something caked in there, dirt or dried blood? She couldn’t say. A wave of panic swept over her, not visible on her face but the little monitor that showed her heartbeat revealed all. It revealed everything she kept hidden or at least showed the activity of the thing she kept hidden. Easier to say you didn’t have a heart, then to admit you had a damaged one. No one wanted someone damaged. Pressing the call button, she didn’t relax when a kind looking nurse walked inside. Sitting up straight despite the bed put in a sitting position, Donella watched her through skeptical eyes.

“What happened to my face?”

As blunt and straightforward as always, the nurse blinked in almost surprise before clearing her throat. Donella guessed most patients started with small talk of sorts, she hated small talk. Just more time for someone to learn about her, to learn about all her weaknesses and how to exploit them.

“You’re lucky that’s the only injury you sustained. It’ll leave a scar but you’ll be okay.”

Donella stopped listening after that word, scar. It echoed in her mind. Scar. Scar. Scar. It’ll leave a scar. A shaky hand brushed over the gauze again, right on the middle of her cheek. The nurse was wrong about one thing, she wouldn’t be okay. She was never okay before. She was and had always been scarred, broken, unlovable. But now everyone could see. She would always be reminded about how her personality and herself alone drove away from the one person who would and could ever care about her. The world felt like it was collapsing, vision blurred as she held her head in her hands. Scar scar scar-

“Miss? Miss are you alright?”

She lifted her head at the nurse’s voice and nodded. No, she wasn’t alright. How long has it been? What had happened? Why was she still alive? Was it a stupid curse, a punishment for everything she was? She had so many questions but she restrained herself. Donella didn’t want to be a burden, she didn’t want to be anything other than a routine check-up. She didn’t want to be anything. The nurse smiled, seemingly relieved that she didn’t have to deal with Donella’s emotional issues. Donella didn’t blame her, she didn’t want to deal with herself either.

“Oh, I should mention. You have a visitor.”

The nurse’s smile felt too wide, unreal. That smile brought back memories of someone she didn’t exactly want to remember. However, Donella knew that she’d also never be able to forget her. Why couldn’t that part of her memory have been affected by the crash?

“Been waiting all night, goes by the name of Ulla, should I tell her you’re awake?”

Donella gulped, so it had only been a day. She could tell from the freshness of the bruises and scratches. That and the fact that she wasn’t worth waiting more than a day for. She wasn’t worth more than five minutes of someone’s time actually. Staring at the nurse, Don knew she expected a yes. Who wouldn’t want to see someone after a horrifying accident? Any normal person would, any whole person would. Anyone who wasn’t terribly broken. Her jaw hardened as her eyes narrowed slightly.

“Tell her I only want to see family.”

The nurse left. That should do it, she didn’t want to see anyone, but she couldn’t tell the nurse that. Donella didn’t want her to know how messed up she was inside, but did that really matter? After she ‘healed’ the world would know. Don would know. Still, she said family, although the words family and nobody was apparently synonymous for her. She had nobody, she didn’t need anybody. The only person she had was herself if only she could say she was thankful. Broken, scarred, serious, who would want to be around her? Donella sure didn't. Ulla did, or maybe she did before Donella pushed her away. Guess this is what she deserved. She deserved to be alone after all the hurt she caused. She deserved to be alone because Ulla deserved better, she chose better after she chose Quirin over Donella. She deserved to be alone before she was always so annoyingly unhappy all the time, and no one deserved to be around that. After her face ‘healed’. Was healed the right word? Could you heal something that wasn’t whole, to begin with? Well, there was no way anyone would ever want to be around her after that as if they wanted to be around before. Now they had a reason other than her personality. Donella looked damaged, her mistakes strewn across her face for the world to see. She spent so long hiding from the world, desperate to blend in and fade away, and now- well now how could she not stand out? Great. She was ugly, inside and out. Ugly and unlovable and just- just terrible to be with. No wonder Ulla left her. No wonder her closest friend was gone. No wonder she didn’t have anyone. Ulla didn’t have to be the one to point that out, but Don was too busy running from the sinking truth to process it. Until Ulla confronted her head-on. Her face wasn’t the only thing that’d scar. Wasn’t the only thing that was wounded. Well, wounds healed, scars on the other hand, or cheek? Scars would always serve as a constant reminder. Plaguing her face and heart wherever she went for the rest of her sorry, empty excuse for a life. Scars never fully disappeared, Donella could tell you that first hand. No matter how long had passed, how good she got at hiding and running, they’d never leave her in peace. She leaned back in the hospital bed and tried to tune out the beeping of the monitor. Guess a broken heart still regrettably beat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Yeah I love me some angsty self hatred


	9. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where Hugo dies in the final battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // This was inspired by a post by @random.doodle.account on Instagram!! Go check her out!

It had all happened so fast, Donella stepped through the portal, the barrier still standing strong like it had all those years ago. She was thorough, made a horrible mistake but at least she failed well. That familiar feeling of dread returned as she hurried through the force field, feeling that rush of energy through her body just like the last time she passed through. Though that time she was leaving for what she thought was for good. The boy, Varian, stood in a manner that made Donella’s skin crawl. Wide smile, that too wide smile burned into her mind. Head cocked to the side, eyes empty, and suddenly the boy wasn’t the boy anymore. He wasn’t Varian of Old Corona, a stubborn alchemist who didn’t understand what he was dealing with. Who somehow managed to steal Hugo’s heart. The boy she could never fully trust, Donella could never fully unsee her eyes in his. Now, he was a perfect reflection of the girl she failed to save all those years ago. Now he was a perfect reflection of everything she failed to save, everything she had lost. He was falling because of her failures, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t make the same mistake again. She couldn’t let him fall. Donella had already taken a mother from him, he had already lost too much because of her. Once again, this was all her fault. Maybe that’s why she ran away, became a recluse, distanced herself from everyone so that her last connections couldn’t haunt her. She ran and ran and ran but never learned that fate was and would always be just too fast.

“Get out of the boy, Ulla.”

Whatever panic she was feeling, whatever storm brewed inside her was hidden underneath her calm facade. Her uncaring facade. She didn’t care, she didn’t feel. It was easier this way, it was easier to be unmoving, unfeeling. To push everything down until she herself believed the whispers, the rumors. It was easier on her heart to not have one. Or at least for others to think she didn’t have one. Her voice was a low growl, a stern tone like she was talking to a cat or toddler. Ulla was a toddler, stupid and impulsive and impossible to control. She was impossible to control, she needed to be locked away. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, Donella used to be able to control her. Until she so selfishly decided not to, and they both suffered for her stupidity.

“I’m just getting closer to my son, Donnie. Trying to make up for the years you took from us.”

Varian opened his mouth but didn’t move his lips, the voice was disembodied like its owner. An eerily maniacal voice escaped the child. It echoed throughout the library and Donella wondered how she could have once missed that voice so much. That Ulla, the owner of the sweet and soft voice that melted her heart and tore down her walls and somehow made her get the stupid idea that she was lovable, well that Ulla was gone all because of Donella. She was gone.

“Get out of the boy, now.”

Just like Don, always so serious, always so goal-oriented. Her green eyes narrowed as she focused on the space just behind the boy, almost developing tunnel vision. Barely able to make out a transparent figure floating behind him, she took a step forward. For the first time in years, she allowed that familiar energy to course through her veins, the same magic she had used to create the seal that divided her life forever. The magic she was terrified of using for fear of what it could do, of what she could do. Her hand raised slightly as green crackles danced across her fingertips.

“Or I’ll force you out.”

“Awe Donnie, are you sure about that? You wouldn’t want someone to get hurt, now would you?”

That taunting tone, how could she have thought it was adorable? That was many years ago. Donella growled and gritted her teeth. Ulla was right, even after all that time apart she still read her like a book. Magic could force Ulla’s spirit out safely but in Donella’s hands? Donella was destructive, she corrupted everyone around her. She’d do more harm than good, she always did so much more harm than good. Looking down at her hands, her terrible destructive hands, she shook her head.

“Come out now, your fight is with me. Or are you not strong enough to face me alone and have to hide behind your own son?”

A little bit of that betrayal slipped out through her voice, she hated how her cadence cracked slightly. How she revealed too much with that simple inflection that said it all. Come out now, I want you to hurt me. Come out now, I’m the only one who deserves to die. Come out now, I miss you.

Ulla’s cackles filled the air, that stupid stupid change in voice told her everything. Donella scolded herself. No matter how hard she tried to hide, to bury everything under a layer of icy cold tones, she couldn’t disguise her true feelings from Ulla. Her ability to understand her was what drew Don in, what made her make the biggest mistake of her life. Now it was going to prevent her from fixing her errors.

“Like you know anything about family, Don. All these years I’ve been trapped here and you’ve been out in the world. And you’re still the one who’s all alone.”

There was a change in those narrowed green eyes, a slight shift in gaze that told Ulla all she had to know. Donella didn’t express much, so any tiny reaction meant so much more. Donella bit her bottom lip, her fingers twitched for a second as she restrained herself. Restrained herself from blasting Ulla to ghostly pieces, and Varian into very real corporeal pieces. Ulla had already ripped her heart to pieces, did she really have to stomp on the broken shards? She gritted her teeth to bite back a sob, why was she about to cry? Was it her unspoken words manifesting into tears? Why do you think I never found another research partner? Why do you think I cast myself away? Why do you think I’m still all alone? Because I never, never stopped loving you. But you never started loving me.

“She’s not alone.”

Donella’s tunnel vision disappeared as the Eternal Library and her surroundings came back to her. A hand on her shoulder grounded her as the blond boy who had been cowering against the wall behind her stepped forward. He stood tall, something Donella always pestered him about. Too surprised to hold him back, Donella stared at Hugo and, for the first time, smiled at the boy. A soft broken smile like she didn’t really remember how to do it anymore. Hugo blinked at her in surprise and his fingers squeezed her shoulder in a comforting manner. He was about to speak again before Varian, er- Ulla scoffed at him.

“Aw, how sweet, you managed to trick him too, Don.”

Ulla mused, Donella did trick her all those years ago. Made her think that they were together in their quest for knowledge, that Donella cared about her. Only to turn on her when it counted the most. Donella turned on her, Donella was the traitor. She watched as the woman gulped, knowing that She believed her words fully. If Donella herself believed she was a traitor, then it must be true. Her arm moved to push Hugo back, to protect him. Donella had to protect him, to not fail him like she failed Ulla. She couldn’t afford to fail again, she couldn’t live with herself if she did.

“Hugo, stay back. That’s an order.”

Her tone was firm, the warmth in her expression gone as she shifted her focus back to the task at hand. Watching how the boy’s eyes landed on her son, a wicked smile spread across Ulla’s er- Varian’s lips. Ulla got good at reading eyes long ago, if she could read Donnie’s, well everyone else’s was a picture book by comparison.

“Yeah, Hugo, that’s an order.”

Her voice was mocking as the grin widened, Varian’s arm raised and his finger rested on his lips. Ulla giggled before lifting her son’s body up into the air. Luckily for her, she had no relationship with the boy, guess she had Don to thank for that. No, she didn’t care for him, how could she when there was a world of possibilities in front of her, she just needed a way to get there. She learned this from Don, distance yourself from everyone. Though she didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

“Although I’m not sure you wanna listen to Donnie. Not when I can do this!”

She twisted her son’s arm back sharply, releasing her grip on his mind just so he could feel and react. Varian’s eyes lost the blue glow as he shrieked with pain. Ulla’s disembodied laughter filled the air. The blond boy cried out and tried to run, but Donella grabbed him firmly. She held him back tightly, not wanting him to make the same mistake she made, not wanting him to be blinded by love like she had been. Ulla twisted harder, Varian writhed in the air. Hugo squirmed and shoved Donella back forcefully with all the strength he could muster, and Donella slipped. Her grip loosened just enough for Hugo to run as she fell backward, hands still outstretched like they had been for a certain young alchemist all those years ago. And like back then, they slipped away. She let them go, let them fall.

“No!”

Two voices became one as Donella stood quickly, but not quickly enough. She was never enough. Three blue gems landed by her feet and shattered into nothingness as two bodies fell. Donella took in a shaky breath as her cheek felt a searing pain. A phantom pain of the time Ulla had struck her down. The memory was all too familiar as she broke into a run. How she wished that she was the one to receive the cuts again, to be the target of Ulla’s attack. She was the only one who deserved to pay, who deserved to suffer for her mistakes. The mistakes that ruined her life and the lives of everyone in hers. Varian had cried out, somehow breaking free from his mother’s grip upon seeing the second body fall. Donella was already on her knees by the time Varian’s feet landed on the earth. He stood frozen, unable to move as he fought for full control over his body. A ghostly figure looked on from behind him, though she was no harm in that state. No harm physically. Pulling the fallen child close, Donella’s hand covered the wounds on his neck, desperately performing a healing spell. No amount of magic could bring someone back from the dead, and Donella knew that. But he wasn’t dead, no Hugo was going to be okay. Hugo wasn’t dead. She lied to herself, something she learned from Ulla to attempt to ease the pain. The thing about Donella, however, nothing ever seemed to ease the sharp feelings of guilt and self-hatred in her chest. This was all her fault, she didn’t teach him, didn’t teach him the dangers of love, the dangers of the heart. She had failed him like she failed Ulla. Like she failed everyone. It was clear to her now, she deserved to be alone. She should be alone, for the safety of everyone else. She was dangerous and infectious and poison. She was broken beyond any sort of possible repair. No one wanted her, and they were right. For the first time, she let a sob rattled her body, a raspy and shaky sound full of weakness and emotion. Pulling the body closer, Donella pointed her shaky blood-covered hand just over Varian's shoulder. Tears flowed down her face but they weren’t from words she held back. She wasn’t holding back.

“What did- what did he ever do to you? Your fight is with me! You should have killed me!”

She shrieked, shouted out her emotions like Ulla. Her body shook from the effort but she didn’t care. She didn’t care.

Ulla actually stopped fighting with Varian at the sound of Donella’s broken voice. She didn’t expect that from her, even after seeing through her walls, Ulla never expected this. Staring from the kneeling woman, down to her son, she paused. She paused as her lies came crashing down. here she was, and there Don was with their respective boys, and Ulla was supposed to be the good one? She was the good one, she was always the good one she- she had to be good. Who was she if she wasn’t perfect little Ulla? Who was she anymore? What had she become?

“I was never enough, was I? That’s why you got married and had a family! I was never enough for you! But I waited! I waited and watched because you were all that I ever wanted!”

Her throat felt raw and red from screaming but Donella didn’t care as she pulled the lifeless body closer. She saw Ulla’s ghostly form solidify as she released her grasp on Varian. Her vision blurred from tears as she did her best to keep them from falling onto Hugo’s face. Blinking away the rest of her tears as she wiped them away, her eyes focused on those wide blue ones.

“And then you were gone and I thought I’d never feel again! I- you took everything from me! The best years of my life, my heart, my everything! But now you take him too? When will it ever be enough for you?!”

She was done, her voice gave out at the end anyway. Not that she had anything left to say, anything left to live for. Ulla was her everything for the longest time. But as much as she didn’t want to admit it to herself, as much as she didn’t want to feel again, Hugo became her new everything. He became the reason she got up in the morning, the reason she made sure to make it home safely. The reason she tried to become someone better than the mess that she was, someone who could pass as whole. All for him. He was a part of her, the better part of herself. He was a version of herself that wasn’t broken beyond repair yet, he could have been saved and she was stupid enough and selfish enough to try and save him. Selfish to try and save him to make herself feel better, to try and convince herself she wasn’t utterly worthless. He was kind and brave and naive enough to love, and boy did he love. Donella saw it in his eyes when he tried to hide it, the child never picked up her ability to hide his emotions. Not as well as her anyways. He loved hard and she wished she could have taught him that love was beautiful and everything. She wished she could have taught him before she convinced herself that she was unlovable. He was her new light, her new life, her baby.

“My son.”

She choked out as she gently touched the side of Hugo’s face, closing his glassy eyes. All that time she spent trying to teach him to show no emotions in his gaze, now all she wanted was to see something. Anything. Please.

Varian rushed forwards and knelt beside her, she felt Ulla’s powers weaken. Glancing over, was that regret in her eyes? Donella looked away, she didn’t care if Ulla did regret, she couldn’t bring Hugo back, couldn’t fix her mistakes. Now she’d suffer the consequences like Donella did. Like Donella had and will for the rest of her life. This was her punishment, the world's way to punish her for being selfish. For taking Hugo in when she was a terrible person when she knew she’d corrupt him but still entertained the stupid idea that she could be something good, that she was someone good. This was her punishment for going against the world. Or trying to at least. Now, now she knew her destiny loud and clear. The world had bested her. She couldn’t just close her heart, she wasn’t allowed to have one. She wouldn’t allow herself to have one, not after all the damage one lowly broken tiny heart caused. Not after the damage she caused. Her love hurt others, allowed Ulla to fall, caused Hugo’s death. Ulla fell because she couldn’t tell her no, chose to be blinded by her affection. Hugo, Hugo died because Donella softened around him, allowed him to see the side of her that could still feel. She tricked him like Ulla said, convinced him she was worth saving. Convinced him that love was worthwhile. It was all her fault. It was always her fault. That boy, the one who convinced her to try again and feel again and love again, well that boy was gone all because of Donella. He was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Do I regret killing Hugo? No


	10. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donella can't seem to rid her thoughts of Ulla after the betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// This was inspired by @random.doodle.account on Instagram!! Go check her out

Donella rubbed her tired eyes and got out of her chair. She supposed she could wrap it up for the night. Stretching her back as she tidied up her desk quickly, shuffling the papers out of habit even though there was really nothing to clean. There wasn’t ever any mess anymore with her gone. Turning, Donella sighed and took a single candle from the shelf before blowing out the others in the lab. The hallway to her room was dark, and she brought a lit match to the candle wick as she passed by a mirror. Side glancing, a flash of blue sent a shiver up her spine, a too-wide smile and empty eyes. Turning quickly, she was met with the same piercing green eyes she saw every day, and the ugly scar along her cheek, a reflection of who she was inside. Sighing, her hand reached up and brushed over the raised skin, closing her eyes for a second. Her heart raced in her chest, pounding in her ears as she tried to forget the voice. ‘Are you really betraying me, Don?’ Her eyes flew open as she spun around, holding the candle up as the light of the flame bounced off the walls and reflected over the mirror. The house felt empty without her. She felt empty without her. “You’re really starting to lose it, Donella.” She muttered time herself and sighed, turning to start down the hall once again. Donella didn’t refer to herself as Don, only her friends were allowed to give her nicknames. Mindlessly, she went through her nighttime routine. She found herself losing her thoughts more and more, finding that if she was focused and thinking, then she’d inevitably think about her. It was best to avoid thinking entirely. Her awareness returned when she climbed under the covers, sleeping on the right side of the bed and leaving room for a phantom of the past to rest. Reaching over, she blew out the candle and plunged herself into darkness. Sleep came quickly, luckily for her. The hallway to her room was dark, and she brought a lit match to the candle wick as she passed by a mirror. Side glancing, a flash of blue sent a shiver up her spine, a too-wide smile and empty eyes. Turning quickly, she was met with the same piercing blue eyes that stared at her through the forcefield. 

“Are you really betraying me, Don?” The voice asked, echoy and disembodied. The figure in the mirror cocked her head to the side.

“N-no I-“ Donella sputtered out before shaking her head and setting the candle down on the table in front of the mirror. 

“I guess I did.” She mumbled eventually. She guess she did betray Ulla, betrayed her by failing to stop her, failing to protect her, failing to save her. She became a failure and because of her, Ulla became something worse than death. Forced to remain in the Eternal Library with no body. How could she have done this? Staring back into the mirror, she took a step back as Ulla seemed to reach through the glass, reaching out for her and threatening to pull her into the reflective surface. Donella struggled and tried to grab at her arms though the simply crumbled to mist in her hands. Traitor. Traitor. Traitor. The voices seemed to scream from all around her, Ulla’s being the loudest. She remembered what it felt like, to be surrounded by the whispers of the townspeople. At least then they were somewhat quiet. Donella choked, tried to cover her ears with her hands to block out the jeers. Traitor. Traitor. Traitor. That smaller voice inside her brain piped up. ‘They’re right you know’ Donella’s eyes squeezed shut as she screamed, trying to drown out the noise though her own thoughts remained as loud as ever. Who could fight against their own mind?

Jolting up, she panted heavily as her chest rose and fell in rapid succession. Green eyes darted around the quiet room, blood pounding in her ears. The noise sounded as if it were crying out, traitor, traitor, traitor. Donella didn’t realize she was screaming until her voice gave out and her throat was raw. Her body was rattled by a shaky breath as her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth slightly. Something Ulla used to do to calm her down. Donella never admitted to her, never showed that she needed comfort, but somehow Ulla just knew when to wrap her around Don and gently rock her back and forth. Back and forth until she was asleep and safe. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel Ulla’s hands in her hair and breath against her forehead. If she closed her eyes, Ulla was still there and everything seemed to still be worthwhile. Flopping back onto the bed, she covered her face with her hands and rolled over onto her side. Groaning softly as she rubbed her face and tried to force the memories away. The stupidly fond memories that wouldn’t leave her in peace and instead manifested into the nightmares that would haunt her. The guilt that would haunt her. Maybe she deserved it, to never get another good night's sleep while Ulla would never have another one herself. Maybe she deserved to be plagued with guilty thoughts since Ulla had fallen at her hands, she deserved to relive the memories again and again until they consumed her. Maybe she deserved all of it, maybe she didn’t deserve her. Her chin rested on her knees for a second as she tried her best to regroup, trying to ignore the calls from the mirror down the hall. It was just a nightmare, nothing more than a nightmare. And what she had with Ulla? Whatever she thought may have blossomed between the two? Well, it was nothing more than a dream, a fantastical stupidly wistful fairytale. A fool’s musing. How stupid of her, to be willing to throw away everything for Ulla, everything she stood for to make her happy. She was willing to give up everything for her, so it was only fair that she’d have nothing now. Nothing to show for it besides an ugly scar on her previously ugly face, and a painfully shattered heart with pieces so hidden behind walls that’s she doubted anyone would ever break them down. It was for the best. Sighing, Donella rested her arm atop her ear to try and muffle the noises, foolishly attempting to block out her own inner voice. Her eyes closed but her mind ran wild, and no matter how desperately she tried to silence her thoughts, well her dreams would always be filled with the memories of the villainous innocent, and the betrayed traitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Haha am I projecting onto Donella? No of course not


	11. Family Portrait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian's Iconic Family Portrait from the show, but from Donella's perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Okay so this was inspired by an art piece dear-alex-chill did on Tumblr! Here's the link!  
> https://dear-alex-chill.tumblr.com/post/628905060552818688/based-on-varians-family-portrait-it-needed-some

They had scheduled an appointment with the painter for that morning. That specific morning. Had Ulla forgotten about their special day? Or maybe Donella was simply putting too much thought and overanalyzing like she always did. She was thinking too hard like always. It’s not like Ulla would remember that today happened to be the anniversary of when they had met, it’s not like they went on a picnic or outing every year on that day, it’s not like Donella cared about it. Donella shook her head and tried to banish those thoughts to the back of her mind where they would most likely linger and fester until she tried to sleep. But they would be contained for the day, for when she had to put on a facade for Ulla. She didn’t care, Donella was heartless and cold and she didn’t care, couldn’t care. It was easier this way. It was her special day, technically theirs but Donella ignored the thought. She was irrelevant in Ulla’s story. At least for today, hopefully only for today. 

Taking in a breath, Donella straightened her posture. Focused on her back and the alignment of her spine. Sometimes Ulla mentioned that her stiff and rigid pose drove others away, made her seem daunting to approach. That was the point. It was her safety, her protection.

She tried not to think about how everything was changing. How after Ulla got married and had her- that thing- their lives had started to shift apart. She tried not to feel that crushing fear in her chest, but how could she when her closest friend was slipping through her fingers like grains of sand, and she was too terrified to do anything to stop her. Too terrified to mess up, too terrified to make things worse, too terrified to show how she was feeling. She was too utterly terrified to feel.

‘No.’ She thought to herself harshly and brushed a stray strand of loose gray hair behind her ear. How dare she even feel this way on Ulla’s special day. Why couldn’t she just be happy for her and everything she had? Why couldn’t Donella just be happy? More importantly, why was she like this? Maybe that was why Ulla was her only friend growing up. Donella was self-confident yet too doubtful. Independent but too clingy. Unfeeling but too emotional. She was too much yet never enough at the same time. ‘Just stop Donella’ her thoughts scolded her harshly. Scolded her for caring, for feeling, for being selfish. She was so stupidly selfish that she couldn’t even feel happy for Ulla about her family and her son. Was she jealous? Jealous that Ulla had a future she could never have herself? No, why would she be, Donella never cared for anyone or anything. Donella never cared, she never let herself care. Except for Ulla, and look where that got her. Standing in her room alone while having an intense internal debate over nothing. That was where caring got her, where her heart led her like some self-sabotaging plot. 

“Donnie?”

Donella straightened and didn’t even realize she was clenching her fists until tiny crescent indentations formed on her palms. She took in a breath before putting on her mask. That neutral unfeeling face she practiced so delicately and turned around to face the source of all her pain and all her joy.

“Yeah?”

Was that too gruff sounding? Too passive-aggressive? She cleared her throat, knowing that Ulla could sense every tiny inflection in her voice, she could break through her walls through the smallest cracks and stare right into her soul with those piercing blue eyes. Maybe a little part of her wanted Ulla to see her hidden pain, to ask her what was wrong, and to break down her walls of self-created torment. Maybe for one, she wanted a chance to be vulnerable.

“Oh- I was just letting you know that the painter is here.” 

Ulla replied with a simple smile and left to join her family. 

Her real family.

Donella nodded and sighed, sitting back down on her bed and running a hand through the top part of her meticulous braid. The one person who she cared about more than any and Ulla barely stuck around long enough to give her a second glance. If she had stayed, had looked Don in the eyes, could she have seen the pain that lurked beneath like she usually did? Or have they drifted farther than Donella previously thought?

‘Get it together’ that nagging voice in her head shouted as she stared at the door. She should be supportive, she should be someone better. Ulla deserves better, better than Quirin, and certainly better than Donella. She still didn’t understand why Ulla had so adamantly insisted on befriending her all those years ago. What did she have to gain? What did Donella offer her besides a snide remark or occasional sneer? What did she see in Donella when Ulla was the greatest thing on the planet? What did she see in this broken selfish shell of a person who couldn’t even support her best friend? More importantly, when would Ulla finally realize who Donella truly was, and leave?

Rising to her feet, everything in her mind told her body to stop and sit back down and sulk alone for the rest of the day. She deserved to be alone while they deserved to be happy with each other. That was how the world seemed to work. However, her feet moved in strides towards the door, the heels of her boots clicking lightly as she stepped and paused with her hand on the doorknob. She didn’t have to do this, she didn’t want to do this. But Donella knew it was the nice thing to do at least. Hopefully. Her hand turned the metal knob, the surface still a little warm from where Ulla’s hand was placed a few minutes prior.

If she was truly self-indulgent Donella could close her eyes and be taken back to a time where Ulla had linked their fingers together. The first time she did this Donella had actually jumped and stepped away in shock, but as time went on it just felt natural to reach over and interlace her fingers with the shorter woman. It just felt natural to be with her. Her fingers tightened on the metal as she gritted her teeth and sucked in a sharp breath. This was Ulla’s day, this was Ulla’s day. Donella was supposed to be good at this, at slipping into the background to be ignored and unnoticed. She was used to this, she practically grew up like this. Donella grew up as the kid who was forgotten, as the insignificant little name on the checklist that no one would remember except for her icy stare and cold demeanor. She was the one no one had anything to say about, except a snide remark or passive-aggressive complaint. Donella was used to not caring about what others thought of her. So why did it hurt so much when Ulla’s eyes glossed over her like she was nothing but a passing thought? Why did it hurt so much when Ulla brushed over her? Why did it hurt so much to care?

Gulping, she quickly turned the knob and adjusted the calm and indifferent mask she wore. Stepping into the hallway that led to the living room, she sucked in a breath and recollected the shattered parts of herself as best she could. Though her best never seemed to be enough for anyone these days, or ever.

Legs moved alongside each other in fluid strides as she got close enough to hear chatter and banter and laughter from the living room. Quirin’s soft and low voice with the thing’s coos that honestly made Donella wrinkle her nose with disgust. Finally, through all the noise, one sound rang out clearly. And how could it not? It was the sound, no voice, that had introduced herself all those years ago, the only voice that ever spoke to her in school, the voice that could make her feel happy and like there was still good in the world. The only voice belonging to the only person who could ever make her feel safe and like she was something good. Something desirable. How could she ever forget that voice? She never wanted to forget it, to be without it. Donella didn’t know if she could go on without hearing that voice, even if it was for just a brief second every single day. Even if their lives separated drastically and Ulla and herself weren’t research partners anymore. Just to hear her voice say hello to her every day, that would be enough for Donella. Just to have Ulla’s voice in her life made life itself worthwhile.

Stopping just before the living room, Donella leaned against the wall and simply closed her eyes to listen. They sounded happy, they sounded complete, they sounded whole. Without her. Why couldn’t she stop thinking selfishly? Why couldn’t she stop being so- so jealous over absolutely nothing? They were a family, Quirin, Ulla, and that- baby. They were complete, a unit, and she was merely the spare part that happened to be accidentally thrown in but didn’t fit in. She was the nonessential piece that could and would be thrown away without a second thought. Like always, Donella was once again irrelevant. There was a sharp pain in her chest at that realization, at the realization that to Ulla, to her everything, she was nothing. Not like she hadn’t known before, hadn’t thought about being cast aside before. So why did it still hurt so badly when it was anticipated from the moment their friendship blossomed?

Without any further thought that would have sent Donella running into her room, she rounded the corner and stared at the happy family. Her arms were clasped tightly behind her back as she watched the three together. They looked so- so complete. And she was just, all alone. Like always. Her eyes softened from their usual piercing look, and for a brief moment of weakness, she looked- hurt. Heartbroken even. That moment disappeared quickly as Donella turned, turned, and closed her eyes, and walked quickly to her room where the door shut behind her. Where she held her face in her hands and choked back a sob as the crushing weight of reality overcame her. She was broken and she was never enough and she was replaceable and irrelevant. She was irrelevant to the most important person in her life. While Ulla was her entire world, Donella was barely a blade of grass in hers. And it stung and it hurt but the pain, the pain was worth withstanding if she got to be in Ulla’s presence, even as an insignificant irrelevant blade of grass or pebble. The pain was worth it because Ulla was the only one who let her feel this pain and the contrasting amount of joy. Whether she knew it or not, Ulla was Donella’s light, Donella only hoped she was enough in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// I love writing Donella as this self conflicted, self hating character. She's morally gray like her hair


	12. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donella lashing out at Hugo after his betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // This is more Don than Melting Point but h who cares! No one even reads these lol

The windows in the room were always covered tightly with curtains to prevent any outside light. The few candles allowed were never powerful enough to illuminate the entire room. She couldn’t stand the light, how it made reflections in the glass and allowed her to see her face, to see what she had become. Sometimes the glass jars which held ingredients would hold a reflection of the blue sky, of her eyes. Other times just the image of the ugly damaged skin along her cheek was visible, either way, she preferred to work in comfortable darkness. Sitting inside the dimly lit lab, Donella grumbled fiercely to herself as she dug through old journals, doing her best to try and find anything, any small shred of information that would help her prevent Ulla’s son and his little troop from entering the Eternal Library. From destroying everything she had done, everything she endured and gave up to- to stop her. There had to be something in those books that would prevent her sacrifices from unraveling at the seams, something she had written down all those years ago. She had lied to herself then, but maybe, maybe she had something, anything, written in truth. Flipping through the yellowing pages, pages, and pages of her handwriting with intricate notes in the margins, she paused at a strangely blank page. Donella never let her pages be empty, believing that the space should be filled with something meaningful. So why was this page so barren except for a small note? 

Her hands shook slightly as a wave of memories she wished she could forget rushed forwards. In reality, it was because Donella hadn’t been the one to fill it out, and afterwards she didn’t have the heart to taint the words with her scribblings. To taint what was left of her and destroy her words like Donella had destroyed her life. In a way, in a stupidly selfish way, she wanted to be able to hang onto the person who wrote her this note, not the person Ulla became. Her fingers stopped flipping once the page was reached, her mind told her to move on, to maybe even rip the page out and toss it, no burn it. Destroy the memory so maybe it wouldn’t hurt anymore. How long had it been? 16 years or so since the incident, give or take? After each day she would tell herself that it would get better, that eventually the pain would null and she could live again, possibly be safe to feel again, but that day never came and it seemed to her like it never would. Still, every day she lied in order to keep breathing, not living. Frozen, her body couldn’t move as she stared at her words, locked in time. When she had first read them, well she had felt stuck in place as well with giddy joy and mild exasperation. Now, now she tried to avoid thinking too hard about what she was feeling. It was easier that way.

Donnie, 

Can you believe it? After so long we will finally come to the end of this little quest! You’re sleeping right now, yeah I finally convinced you to let me have first watch! Shocking right? I know you don’t like me snooping through your journals, but you also don’t like me going on long heartfelt speeches. Think of this as a compromise. I’m not sure when you’ll read this, but I promise you that this is not the end for us. Even though our journey is technically done, I can’t imagine my life without you. So thank you, Don. For letting me into your life, and for taking care of me.

Love you always,

Ulla

A wet drop fell onto the pages and Donella quickly looked up to grab a cloth and dab the area dry before the ink ran. There was a pit in her stomach as she did her best to protect the words from further damage, to protect what was left of the woman she knew before- before it all went wrong, before her failure. Closing the journal a little more forcefully than intended, she grimaced to herself as a cloud of dust blew into her face. Stupid. Setting the leatherbound book atop the pile, she leaned back just as the door to her lab creaked open. Donella purposely refused to fix the squeaky hinges, feeling more secure when she could hear someone enter. Strange, no one was supposed to visit that day, no one ever visited except two people. Just the way she liked it, the smaller her circle, well, the fewer people who would eventually hurt her. Not could, would. She learned that distinction a long time ago.

Lifting her head to let the uninvited visitor know that she was aware of their presence, she paused for a moment and closed her green eyes to listen to the footsteps. Light and quick, it was Hugo. There was a reason she always sent the boy out for more delicate missions, he was precise and calculated, and, sometimes, he reminded her of herself. The very few good parts of herself. She could only hope that she hadn’t taught him the shortcomings as well. She could only hope that he would be something good, someone good. Someone who wasn’t like his meteor, who wouldn’t fail like his mentor. Her chance was gone, but his? Donella couldn’t, no wouldn’t, allow him to fall from grace as she had. She owed this to him.

Not that she ever let on how she was feeling, of course not. So, in traditional Donella fashion, her hands clasped behind her back as she pulled that familiar frown onto her lips. The closest her mouth ever got to a smile these days was a grimace. What was there to smile about? She hadn’t had anything to smile about for 16 years, give or take. The back of her hand quickly reached up to wipe at her eyes, a fluid motion that could be passed off as brushing her hair out of her face. Clearing her throat, she spoke as she heard the footsteps behind her stop in the middle of the room.

“I thought I instructed you to give me weekly reports, it’s been three days.” Her tone was monotonous at best, icy cold at worst. There was a tiny growl at the end of her words, her head held high as she turned around on her heel to face the boy and stepped out from behind the chair. Her hand pushing it into her desk to keep everything in order. What was the expression on his face? It was different from before. Donella had always been good at reading people when they were at arm’s distance. Since she never allowed herself to foolishly let someone else in again, everyone in her life currently could be read without a second glance. She immediately sensed something was wrong, her hand clenched into a fist in anticipation and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly before the boy opened his mouth.

“I’m done, Donella.” His tone was firm, similar to hers except there was a small quiver in his voice. Donella narrowed her eyes into a glare and watched him take a small step back. He feared her, she knew most did. It was safer to be feared than loved, safer to fear than to love. That quiver played in her mind, that tiny imperfection in his words. The slightest crack in his brace facade. She tried to play dumb, tried to pretend like she had all those years ago. Hadn’t she learned? Pretending never worked, something else she realized courtesy of Ulla. Still, apparently, she hadn’t learned because she just couldn’t consider the possible meaning of his words. Couldn’t, or wouldn’t? Taking in a quick breath, she spoke and tried to keep her voice level while forcing herself to ignore the growing ball of nerves inside her.

“No you’re not, your assignment was to-“

“I know what my assignment was!” Her smooth and shockingly precise delivery was cut off by a sudden explosive rush of emotion. She nearly gagged at it, emotions did nothing but cloud the mind. They did nothing but hinder rationality. They did nothing but make things worse. Donella had no place for emotions in her life, she had no place for mistakes. She wouldn’t, couldn’t, make another mistake, not like the one before. Blinking in a slight surprise, she glared at the child. Where did this newfound determination come from? For some reason, her jaw locked and hardened, tugging slightly at the scarred tissue on her cheek. There was a deadly silence. Around Donella, silence meant just as much as words did, if not more. She was precise in her words, measured in her actions, everything she allowed others to see she allowed for a reason. This time, she allowed the quiet to fall, only to be broken by Hugo once he couldn’t take the lack of words anymore. That was Hugo’s problem, he talked too much. Talking allowed others to know more, and the more others knew the closer they got, Donella knew the dangers of closeness.

“I’m out, Donella. I’m done.” His tone was firm as he turned on his heel to leave, though Donella made no rush to respond. She watched and waited and there it was, that little falter in Hugo’s step at the door. He wanted a response from her, wanted to know what she was thinking, he wanted to know her. Hugo had always wanted her to let him in, Donella felt queasy at the mere thought. From the first day she met him, her cold nature didn’t push him away as fiercely as it had others. For some reason he stuck around, until today.

Taking in a breath, she reminded herself. Stay calculated, stay cold, stay in control. She had to be in control. Stepping towards him, she raised an eyebrow and examined his face. For a second she froze, this was why she insisted on the lack of reflections. For just a second, she saw herself in his green eyes. She saw that stupid girl all those years ago, that stupid child who was blinded by none other than love.

“You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?” She asked rather abruptly. Her mind flashed back to their conversation three days ago, when she had growled out the phrase ‘you gave him a nickname?’ After that conversation, she tried to tell herself that it was merely Hugo getting too comfortable and desperate for friends, she knew that feeling. To be so desperate for affection, only to grow dependent on the one person to offer it, then to be blind to their true colors. He was going to get hurt, Donella knew he would get hurt like she did. She tried to convince herself that it was his way of luring the group in. She lied like she had all those years ago, made the same mistake again. Now she’d face the same consequences. It was like Donella could sense it, could sense when her life was about to be torn to pieces but didn’t have the ability to stop it. She was a bystander in her own narrative, watching it all fall apart.

Hugo’s eyes widened and he took a small step back, not expecting that question so fiercely, even from someone as direct as Donella. His eyes hardened and he nodded. “So what if I have?”

What a stupid child. Did he seriously not understand? Donella gritted her teeth and her arms fell to her side, hands clenched into tight fists. Her eyes were burning with intensity. For the first time in years, she struggled to keep up that icy facade. Even after all this time, Ulla was still able to break down her walls just by existing in her memories. They were all she had left.

“So what- so what?!” Her tone gradually rose in volume as she went from words hissed through clenched teeth to practically spat out at the boy. Her clenched fists were shaking as she stepped forwards. Hugo had stepped towards her as well while she was thinking, he had reached out for her but quickly backed away. That was the point, the whole reason she had that persona. To keep everyone away. She let Hugo get too close, how did she know? From that familiar pang in her heart, the pure utter pain of betrayal. Donella promised to never, never allowed herself to be hurt like that again, yet she lied like always. She had to lie to her heart just to keep on living. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she sighed heavily and tried her best to remain calm. Remain calm, remain calm. 

“You’re making a mistake.” She eventually was able to articulate, though her real words stayed held back. ‘You’re making the same mistake I made.’ For a moment her eyes pleaded with him, pleaded with him to see clearly, and to re-evaluate. But it happened so quickly she knew that Hugo had missed it. He wasn’t nearly as good as she was at reading others, and maybe it was for the best. She read others due to distrust and heartache, he hopefully would never have to endure the same. Although apparently her words struck a nerve as Hugo advanced on her and pointed a gloved hand towards her face. Donella stood her ground and raised her chin. She stood by her words, no matter how cold and emotionless and heartless they were.

“What do you know? You don’t know anything about love!” That was the first time Hugo was ever truly able to break Donella’s carefully constructed mask. Her eyes widened for a second and her lips pulled into a deeper frown, something Hugo didn’t think was possible. Her hand flew up and grabbed his wrist tightly, and at that moment Hugo remembered how strong Donella truly was. How she didn’t need henchmen to do her bidding, she just chose to have them. She didn’t need anyone, she chose to let them into her life and she could choose when to kick them out. His eyes widened slightly with regret as Donella’s eyes hardened, her grip tightened as she leaned in and pulled him closer.

“Love is the mistake.” Her voice had so much malice in it that it almost didn’t sound like Donella, it sounded nearly animalistic. Her tone, although negative, was always more emotionless than filled with emotion. Somehow her grip got even tighter, to the point where Hugo started to squirm and struggle but she held him in place. Her eyes narrowed and Hugo gulped as she spoke through clenched teeth. “And you know nothing about me, understood? Nothing.”

Donella didn’t need volume to be intimidating. Just the sheer look of pure rage in her gaze was enough to send a shiver down his spine. She let go of his wrist suddenly and stood up straight, regaining her cool as quickly as she had lost it. She turned sharply on her heel, expecting the boy to leave like everyone else she had driven out of her life, though she was stopped in her tracks.

“Well do you blame me?!” He cried out and held his arms to the side. “You never let anyone learn anything about you! You- you act like this cold jerk all the time and you act like you don’t need anyone. Everyone thinks you’re just a loner but, but I think-“ he scoffed and stepped forwards a little. “I think it’s because you’re afraid to need someo-“

He didn’t get to finish his words as a blast of green energy with what seemed like sparks of electricity coming from around its edges forced him back. Slamming into the wall, books and papers and scrolls fell from the wooden shelving next to him as Hugo slid to the floor. Slightly dazed but not unconscious.

“You love him so much?!” Donella snapped, fully raising her voice at him and heaving with her anger. The powerful blast of energy was something she hadn’t felt in years, it felt like release.

“Go to him. See what happens after you stop being a delusional child and learn about the real world!” She wanted to hurt him, to tell him how she had been betrayed and broken. Her throat felt raw, she wasn’t used to speaking at this volume. It hurt to release her pain and anguish, it hurt to let go.

Hugo scrambled to his feet but hesitated before leaving. She saw it in his eyes, she saw pity. She didn’t need pity, she didn’t want it. Pity made her feel weak, it made her feel vulnerable. And she’d never allowed herself the ability to be vulnerable again, to be able to even feel again. Not after what happened last time.

“Get! Out!” She cried and her voice cracked slightly, he stepped towards her, his hand outstretched. As much as she wanted to take it, to believe that there was still something worth saving in her, that would be a lie.

“Donella, I-“ Another jolt of energy, one less powerful but still enough to knock him back took his breath away from the impact of the blow and sent him flying towards the door, landing on his back.

“Didn’t you hear me? I said get out!” She waved her arm in front of her and pointed to the door, there was a standstill. A moment where the two simply stared at each other. Hugo had never seen Donella look this way before, so frazzled and angry and, and broken. Donella bit her bottom lip to stop it from shaking, feeling that rush of heat to her face she experienced when reading that note prior to Hugo’s arrival. Sighing with relief as Hugo scrambled to his feet and left in such a haste that he didn’t close the door behind him.

Once he left, the finger gesturing to the exit started to quiver, then her hand and arm and suddenly it felt like the world was closing in. Just a few moments ago she had thought of this boy as her own, as someone to mold and heal and help become something, no, someone good. Someone she could help. Ha! She couldn’t believe she convinced herself that she could help anyone. Donella couldn’t even save the one person who needed her more than anything, she was delusional. Taking a small stumble back before dropping to her knees with a quiet thump, she tried her best to control her breathing as it spiraled out of control and became rapid. She had done it again, failed someone again, she had failed again.

Gritting her teeth to quiet the sounds of anguish that she couldn’t control, her fist raised to touch the scars along her cheek. Her fingers were clenched so tightly that it hurt, everything hurt so badly. Her breathing was ragged as her raised hand found its way through her hair, running against her scalp until the first hair tie. Inconsistent breathing shook her body, sometimes heavy and painful, other times so light her chest barely rose and fell. She hurt him. She hurt someone again because of her emotions. She- she hurt someone again because she cared too much about them. Crying out in frustration, her hands held the sides of her head as she curled into herself on the floor. She had been right all those years ago, don’t get attached again, don’t start to care again, don’t think it’s safe to feel again. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. And what had she done? What had she done to him?

Her hands left the side of her head and were held in front of her, tiny crescent shapes in her palm with some turning into a faint red outline. Her vision blurred on her palms as tears welled up and dropped onto the skin, sometimes stinging when the red and clear liquids mixed. She had- she had told herself she’d never use magic again. Not after what she had done last time with her hands, what her hands had done to Ulla. She pulled them back and returned them into fists, guess broken promises were just the usual for her.

Who was she to even think for a second that she could be a mentor? Who was she to think that she could even be a person? After everything she had done, well it seemed like she was just meant to be alone. Alone where the only person who would get hurt was herself. The only person deserving to be in pain was herself. Maybe that was for the best. Choking back a sob, her arms wrapped around her body protectively as she closed her eyes and attempted to find solace in the darkness. But even the darkness couldn’t hide her thoughts, and her thoughts couldn’t get away from that battle all those years ago. ‘I think it’s because you’re afraid.’ His words also echoed in her mind, ringing so deafeningly loud that she could barely hear anything else around her. She was afraid, she was a coward, she was pathetic. 

Sitting in the clutter from her outburst, pages and books were strewn across the floor, she held her head in her hands and just shook it back and forth. Stupid stupid stupid. The one time she lost control and allowed her emotions to take over, the one time she allowed herself to feel again after all those years. It was true, she was still the same weak person she was back then, she was still too weak. Too weak to control her emotions, too weak to even feel them, so she simply wouldn’t. She was too weak to save someone she loved. Choking out a breath, she wiped her damp cheeks with her hand, her palm rubbing against the raised texture on her skin. One of the reasons she couldn’t look in the mirror, caused by the other reason she avoided reflections. She deserved this, deserved the permanent reminder of her shortcomings. She deserved to get the stares and side glances and the rumors as she walked down the street. Whatever they thought of her, thought of who she was, well in a way it was the truth wasn’t it? She was a murderer, a traitor, a failure, someone dangerous who shouldn’t be interacted with. Maybe that’s why she never told anyone what happened in the Library, she couldn’t kill Ulla for a second time. Couldn’t kill her memory at least.

The memories were all she had left now, she only had the letters and what little she chose to hang on to in her heart. Donella knew, she knew that the Ulla she once fell for and would do anything for, that Ulla was nothing but a figure of the past. The Ulla now, if she was even still alive, she probably hated her. Ulla rightfully hated her. For some reason, Donella knew she was still alive, because if she was truly gone. Well, she simply knew that a small part of her heart would die with her. What was left of her heart anyway.

Lowering her hand, she sniffed, trying to figure out how long she had simply sat on her floor in the cluttered mess and sobbed. Her limbs and face felt tingly as she stood and looked around, at least cleaning would be a distraction. She never really had to clean after the incident, Ulla had always been the one to make messes. Well, Donella supposed she made nonphysical messes for the most part.

Walking towards her door to shut it, she paused for a moment and looked up at the blue sky. The hair on the back of her neck stood at attention as she stared into the endless blueness. She felt the same feeling of losing herself in the color that she’d feel when looking into Ulla’s eyes. Her fingers curled gently as they rested against the door.

“I’m sorry I was never enough for you.” She whispered to seemingly no one. ‘I’m sorry I was never enough and you had to seek power instead’ ‘I’m sorry I was never enough for you to be happy’. Her thoughts swirled as her grip on the door handle tightened and her eyes squeezed shut. “I’m sorry I’m not enough.”

With that, she shut the door, unsure of who she was addressing with that last line. The girl who left her heart and life in tatters, or the boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // big ouchie


	13. What Are You Hiding From?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian and Hugo confront Donella, leading to some unfortunate outcomes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I threw in some varigo, as a treat

The lab was dark, of course, it was. Donella never had any light or candle lit that she didn't need for her lab work, the curtains were always drawn. Hugo had always found that, strange to say the least, however over the years it felt like he got used to the woman’s weird antics, her secretary, her tendency to hide. At least her distaste for windows would be beneficial to their cause. Varian had insisted the two pay Donella a little visit, stating that it would be easier if she could tell them how to access the Library. Though Hugo knew that wasn't the complete truth. He recognized that look, the look Donella always seemed to have. Only Varian was easier to read than his former mentor and behind that flimsy excuse, Hugo saw a need for confrontation. The alchemist had previously wanted Hugo to stay behind, but that was an argument he would lose and in a way, he was glad to have Hugo by his side, to have someone stand by him.

Approaching his home, former home, Hugo lifted a hand to knock out of instinct before lowering it and taking out his lock pick. Donella was the one who had taught him how to use it, and now he'd turn the tables. She was also the one so insistent on knocking, like she didn’t want anyone to walk in unannounced and witness something she’d prefer to keep hidden. It always seemed like she had a lot to keep tucked away. The door handle made a soft click as it turned, glancing over at Varian who returned his worried gaze with hardened intensity, Hugo sighed softly and bit back words. There would be no point in trying to talk him out of it. Varian gritted his teeth as Hugo paused, trying to ready himself. For once, he finally felt like he was ready to face the woman who took his mother away from him out of cold blood. Who took his family away from him. He didn't think, couldn't think, or else he'd back out. And the last thing he could do at this moment was hesitate.

"This is it, Stripes." Hugo whispered, knowing that Donella would put up a very decent fight if she needed to. She was skilled in combat, and they were walking into her territory. Was this a foolish thing to do? Hugo knew it was, but for some reason he couldn’t tell Varian to stop, didn’t want Varian to have a reason to hate him. For a moment he remembered the last time he tried to bring up the Eternal Library to her, a few weeks before his betrayal. Well, it wasn’t the Eternal Library at surface value, it was why she had decided to turn against her former research partner. He remembered the anger in her eyes, fierce with fury that made his stomach churn. How her eyes seemed to stare right through him, like she wasn’t truly there herself. Then, he pictured those harsh green eyes locked on Varian, and it felt like his world was spinning. 

"You ready?"

Varian cleared his throat and hardened his jaw. He knew revenge wasn't the answer, it wasn't. But for his mother, it was a choice she'd never get to make, because of Donella. His mother didn’t get to make a lot of choices because of her. Turning towards Hugo, Varian rested his hand atop his with a faint smile. "Ready as I'll ever be."

With that, the two turned the door handle together. They both made a silent promise to the other, the reassurance that this would be done together. Hugo tried his best to focus on the feeling of Varian's hand on top of his instead of the anxiety building in his chest. Donella wouldn't, she wouldn't do anything to hurt them. And if she even tried, well Hugo knew every trick in her book. She taught him every experiment she knew, everything he needed to know. When it came down to it, Varian would be safe.

Donella stood tall with her back towards the door towards the back of the room. She knew they'd come. She knew the second she read that note Hugo left her, and she knew that she did not teach him nearly enough. He was naive, too stupidly in love for his own good. She knew the feeling. Such a shame that out of everything she knew, she didn’t know how to fix the damage she caused. Hearing the lock jiggle then turn, she scoffed to herself. He was still a couple seconds too slow. There was a pause before the door creaked open on its hinges. The two boys walked in and she heard the hesitation in their footsteps, not expecting that she'd even be there. Donella closed her eyes, and she waited. She listened and waited for them to make the first move. She had always been a good listener, well, except for once. But she'd never make that mistake again. How could she, when no one would ever, ever get as close as Ulla did?

Hugo hesitated and reached out a hand to stop Varian from advancing, his arm across the shorter boy's chest acting as his restraint. Feeling Varian lean against his arm, Hugo was relieved that he stopped the advancement. His green eyes glanced over, hoping that Varian would think this though. They had expected her to be gone, he had expected her to be gone. From the look in Varian's eyes, hardened and staring at the back of the gray braid, Hugo gulped and felt his stomach drop as he saw the darkness in his lover’s eyes. As he saw something that he probably wasn’t meant to, something that was supposed to be kept hidden. Varian had been hoping for this.

"Are you just gonna stand there?" His voice was shaky as he faced the woman who took his mother away from him. Who took his life away from him. If she hadn't, if she hadn't trusted Donella then she'd still be alive and, well, and Varian wouldn't have grown up so alone. He wouldn't have been alone if it weren't for her. The boy gritted his teeth harshly, ashamed of the tremor in his voice that offset his angry tone. He wasn't angry, he was devastated.

Donella blinked at the raw emotion in the child's voice even though her back was still turned towards them. She was aware that they could attack and kill her at any moment, but for some reason knew that they wouldn’t. For another reason that she preferred to not think about, a small part of her hoped they would. He was just like his mother, emotional and intense and passionate. If you asked her a long time ago, well she'd say that they were good qualities, good qualities for someone good. Someone who could feel. But Donella learned, she learned a long time ago how emotions did nothing but make you weak. Maybe she was still weak, but this time she wouldn't let it show.

"I can ask you the same." She replied with a small shrug, practically hearing the boy's frustration. Such utter, utter foolishness. Her voice was smooth and cold, infuriating to Varian who just wished for nothing more than to hear fear in her voice. To hear some sort of regret for everything she'd done. For all the hurt she caused. But she felt nothing. He stood and waited, wanting her to give him a reason. Any reason to prompt an attack.

Hugo felt Varian tense up under his hand, adjusting his arm to rest on his shoulders in a feeble attempt to calm him down. Donella’s teachings rang in his mind, emotions make you irrational and weak. Though he didn't believe the second half, the first still rang true like an ominous warning. Varian brushed him off roughly and Hugo took a small step back. This was Varian's fight, but he'd be here to make sure nothing happened to him. To make sure Donella didn't do anything to the one and only good thing in his life. He'd make sure she didn't hurt anyone else.

Varian's boots walked towards her with heavy footsteps, stopping at around the middle of the room and angrily flipping over a stand with a journal propped open on it. Apparently, Donella had been reading. Reading about what? How to be a heartless traitor? She probably wrote the book on that. 

"Can you at least look me in the eyes and tell me why you took my mother away from me?" His voice tore through the air and broke at the end. He was shaking, seething. And she, well she didn't seem to even hear him. Those cold eyes locked onto his, and that wouldn’t be the first time he pleaded with green eyes, it wouldn’t be the first time his cries fell on deaf ears. How loud? How loud did he have to shout to make her feel the same pain and agony he did? To make her feel what she deserved instead of feeling nothing? “Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

Gritting her teeth, the damaged skin along her cheek pulled slightly as she turned around smoothly on one heel. Control. She needed to stay in control. That was all she had left. Her hands were tucked behind her back so that the boys couldn't see how tightly they were clenched. If only she could be as unfeeling as she seemed, if only she could stop caring. She didn’t care, her mind told her she didn't, but her heart said otherwise. Funny how irrationality always shouted louder than reason, funny how she couldn’t seem to control either. Her eyes glared daggers into the boy though Hugo recognized it as nothing more but her usual expression. To his temporary relief.

"I've looked into your eyes before." She growled softly and remained where she stood. "And I can't say I've liked what I've seen." What did she see in those blue eyes all those years ago? A friend? A new beginning? A future? Maybe, maybe she even saw something good when looking at her reflection in those blue irises. Maybe she saw someone good. From the way Ulla looked at her, maybe she truly believed that there was something in her that was worth saving. Her jaw clenched. No, that's not all she saw. Past her reflection and through the hazy teal fog of the Eternal Library, she saw a madness, a desire for power, a monster of her own creation. She saw her own failure, and her own weakness, and her own evil.

Her green eyes glanced over at the journal on the ground, but didn't react much externally. She never let anything show, never let anyone in. She couldn't, not when anyone that got close to her was corrupted by her presence. 

"You're nothing but a lousy traitor! My mother was a fool for trusting you." Of course, trust had to be her downfall as well. Why did it seem that they both had issues concerning relying on the wrong people? Like mother like son he supposed. His voice filled up the usually quiet space, making Hugo wince from behind. Donella scoffed, a sound that made Varian's blood boil.

"Tell me something I don't know." Her tone dripped with sarcasm to disguise her agreement. He was right, Ulla was a fool for trusting her. For trusting that someone like Donella could protect her from herself. For thinking for a moment that Donella was someone she could lean on. She let her down, and in a way, that was equivalent to betrayal.

Gritting his teeth, Varian was practically seeing red. He couldn't get anything out of her, he couldn't break her, and he wanted to crush her to pieces. Hugo's hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality, grounded him. Reaching over, he took his hand and sighed softly, silently thanking him for being there, for being with him. That made her deserving of every name and rumor thrown her way.

It was then that Hugo knew they weren't there for information. They were there for something more.

Varian practically hissed with frustration, his eyes scanning the fallen pages on the ground to avoid that infuriatingly calm gaze, when one caught his eye. Stepping over, he picked it up and felt Donella's eyes burning with intensity. He felt a shift in her expression. His fingers brushed over the picture, and it occurred to him that she wasn't reading a research journal. This one was personal. 

Donella watched him pick up the fallen photograph, resisting the urge to swipe it from his hands, resisting the urge to feel anything but anger. She knew the image so well it was burned into her mind. She should have destroyed it years ago, but that foolish irrational part of her couldn’t bear to. A younger her, a better unbroken her, stood with Ulla at her side. One arm draped over her friend's shoulder and a rare smile on her face. Ulla had insisted she smile for the photo, and for once, Donella allowed herself to show her weakness. For once Donella was truly happy. Now it seemed like her happiness would be used against her like it always was.

Varian's fingers brushed against that face, all too familiar and too distant at the same time. The face of a woman he would never know, but longed desperately to. Why were tears welling up? He brushed them away quickly and felt relief when Hugo's thumb did the same. When speaking, his voice shook but Varian didn't care. He didn’t care because now, he finally knew how to break her.

Watching her Hugo, no Hugo, treat the boy so tenderly made Donella's stomach churn. Had she seriously taught him nothing? Nothing about weakness, nothing about love, nothing about the cruel and dark world where the only way to survive was to become cruel and dark yourself. The only way to prevent being shattered like a mirror, was to behave like one and reflect the nature of the world back onto it. She braced herself for another wave of insults, like she wasn't already numb to the hurtful words that swirled around her wherever she went. Like she didn’t deserve them.

"I get it now," Varian said as he stared at the picture, at her unscarred face. At Donella all those years ago before she became the person she was today. She was almost unrecognizable. "You act like you're heartless and cold and evil but this," He half smiled and held up the picture, watching that ever so tiny change in her green eyes while he taunted her with her past. "This proves to me that you do feel."

Donella scoffed and cleared her throat, wanting to wipe that smug smile off of his face. Did he really think that would break the careful facade she spent years creating? Well, maybe it was causing cracks, but she'd never admit it. No one ever gave her a second glance, much less considered that she did feel something, anything. She made sure of it, it was easier that way. It was easier when no one knew her, the real her. The real Donella that cared and felt and loved and fell to her own mistakes.

"That was years ago, Kid. People change."

"But you haven't." Donella's head turned sharply as he spoke. Hugo sucked in a nervous breath, that icy gaze still sending shivers down his spine. A part of him wanted to urge Varian to stop, but he knew that from that distance Donella couldn't hurt him. She wouldn't dare. Varian was smart, smart to keep his distance from the woman to avoid harm. Varian was smart, hugo reassured himself. "You wish you had but you haven't. You want to but you can’t. You still feel the same way you did back then, in this picture."

Varian practically waved the image through the air, like a red flag to a bull. Donella huffed softly and gritted her teeth. Control Control Control.

"Only this time, you've learned to hide." Varian's voice ended in a small chuckle, he had cracked her, had figured out how to make her feel. In a way, he somewhat knew why she did this. It was the same reason he masked his emotions with anger. For some reason, it was easier to feel anger or nothing at all, than to feel pain and sorrow and self hatred. "So now, I guess I have a different question for you. What are you hiding from?" 

Donella turned and froze, green eyes locking on blue for the first time in years. Hugo watched as the expression of pure fury bubbled up to the surface of those green eyes. Donella remembered why she never allowed the windows to be seen, for the blue sky to be seen. There was the faintest sound, the sound of her mad laughter and screams. And her eyes. The eyes that lit up her world and made it worth living in, the eyes that became her everything, and the same eyes that plunged everything into darkness.

There wasn't even time to react as the room was illuminated suddenly with a green light. The sound of crackling filled the air along with screams. Donella didn’t even realize she had cried out in anger until her voice cut off. Hugo's mouth dropped, he froze. He had learned about magic before, but he never- He didn't- Crying out in pain as the blast hit and burned the hand that was resting on Varian's shoulder, he pulled his grip back on instinct and held it to his chest. The light was so bright in contrast to the darkness from before that it nearly blinded Hugo. He was barely able to make out Donella's face from behind the source of the power, her hands. Her eyes were hardened in anger, the same fury he had sworn would never fall onto Varian. Varian!-

She let out a quiet groan as she dropped her hands, panting heavily as she straightened up. It had been years, years since she felt this sort of raw power in her veins. For a moment, it felt good. Her fingers twitched from left over energy, hair slightly disheveled. Then, she saw the fallen boy on the ground, laying on his side by the wall. Unmoving. Her outstretched arms dropped and face fell, eyes wide with horror and regret as she stared down at her own hands and took a small step back.

"NO!" Hugo shrieked and ran across the lab, falling to his knees and not even caring that his back was turned towards the woman who possessed more power than he ever realized. ALl that time, was this what she had been hiding? How could he not realize? How could he allow Varian to come here? How could he allow this to happen?

Pulling his limp head into his lap, Hugo tried his best to stop the tears from falling. Though he tried his best to keep Varian safe as well. His best wasn’t enough. Maybe he wasn’t enough. Wet drops landed on his freckled cheeks, only to be wiped away by Hugo's fingers. He choked out a sob as he cradled the boy in his lap, practically feeling the warmth drain from his cheeks. It was his imagination, just his imagination. Varian was going to be okay, he would be okay. Hugo learned how to lie from Donella how to pull the truth into something more palatable. For a moment, he could actually believe that his world wasn't shattered, that his word still had some light left. His hand burned as he rested it against Varian's cheek but he didn't care, his pain didn’t matter, he didn’t matter. Turning his head, he was taken aback at the woman's disheveled look, how her eyes were almost timid as she stepped towards him hesitantly. He never saw her this, this fragile. He had never seen how broken she truly was.

"Get away from him!" Hugo snapped and was surprised to see her actually stop and step back. Donella stared at the boy on the ground, then Hugo, then her own hands. Her vision blurring as she remembered the last time magic was used to this extent. Leaving two people cursed, and one scarred

They had to get out of there, they- he needed help. Hugo blinked away the tears that threatened to blind him as love had. Why hadn’t he stopped him? Why hadn’t he realized that this was a bad idea? Why did he become so blinded by love that he went against his better judgment to make Varian happy? Was this what Donella had warned him about?

“Stripes, Stripes come on.” He choked out, he was okay. Varian had to be okay. Slipping his injured hand underneath black hair to support him, Hugo winced when he felt something sticky squelsh between his fingers. It had to be his hand, right? The friction probably broke the burned and fragile skin. It was, it was definitely him. RIght? Lifting the head up, Hugo gasped at the large, deep red stain that was now covering his thigh, the matted liquid drying down and making the fabric cling to his skin.

“No- no Varian! Please no! Don’t- don’t leave me! Not like this!”

Donella froze, and suddenly she wasn’t in her lab anymore. She wasn’t even in the present day anymore. Suddenly she was back in the Eternal Library, staring at her failure through a hazy blue barrier and she wasn't sure if the desperation and regret in that reflection was hers or Ulla’s. ‘Donnie! Donnie please!” Her cries echoed in her mind as she felt her breathing quicken. ‘Please no! Don’t- don’t leave me! Not like this!’ She sucked in a breath and held the sides of her head in a weak attempt to block out the voices, block out the memories. Murderer Murderer Murderer. Shaking her head violently, she hissed at herself through gritted teeth. Her hand rested on the raised skin and fingers curled slightly, he was right. She hadn’t changed. She hadn't changed at all, but he was right about another thing. She wished she had.

Stepping forwards, Donella held out a hand.

“Get away from me! Haven’t you hurt me enough? Haven’t you taken enough from me?” Hugo shouted and cried it until his voice felt like it would tear his throat apart. He stared at Donella, and for the first time saw the pain in her eyes, pain she had been holding for a long long time. What was she possibly thinking that could break down the walls she spent years fortifying?

‘Donnie please!’

‘Haven’t you hurt me enough? Haven’t you taken enough from me?’

Donella blinked away the memories as best she could and shook her head in a small attempt to further drive them away. But they lingered, they always did. She pushed them back and down, controlled them. This is what happened when she lost control.

“Hugo, there’s no time to get him to a doctor.” Her tone was firm but lacked the coldness she usually spoke with. She almost sounded, understanding, compassionate, feeling. Hugo shot his head up and glared at her, curling himself around Varian’s body protectively. “I know you don’t trust me.” How could he? She didn’t even trust herself. How could she trust herself? After everything she's done, trust was a gift she’d never receive. She didn’t want to receive it. “But I can heal him if you let me.” Would he let her? Could he even begin to? And then, if he did, could she let herself learn to heal? Could she heal?

There was a stand still, a moment where the two stared at each other. Teacher and student, mentor and protégé. A small moment where he stared at her in desperation and terror and injured hand lifted while his other held onto Varian’s limp fingers. Trying to squeeze some life back into the boy. For a second, Donella’s eyes softened and for just a second, she saw something, someone possibly good in the reflection of those green irises.

His green eyes paused, darting to the side. Donella knew where he was staring, it was where everyone stared when they spoke to her. It was all she was to some people. The scarred one in more ways than physical. In a way it was her fault, she had leaned into the role. Stopped fighting to be someone good and just accept that there was something inherently missing inside her. She wasn’t even a puzzle with a missing piece, since puzzles were made to be whole. She was made to be broken. His hand pulled away and eyes narrowed as he protectively picked Varian up into his arms, or what remained of Varian. A hollow shell, his body empty and gone. Like mother like son.

“Why should I accept help from you?” His voice was a sneer, a low growl that Donella only heard from herself. “Someone who can’t even heal her own scars.”

Her hand froze before pulling back. Eyes hardening once again. This is what happened, this is what happened when she opened her heart. The worst part? She really did and wanted to believe, she really wanted to believe that there was something good left. The tiniest, tiniest shred of something worth saving in her. The smallest chance that maybe the world and everyone else was wrong, that maybe she was wrong. Was that the most pathetic part?

Her fingertips brushed her cheek, eyes widening for a moment at her own touch. Her hands were dangerous. She was dangerous.

“Fine. Leave then.” She hissed out and spun around on her heel, already in the process of hardening what was left of her heart. Crossing her arms across her chest, she squeezed her eyes shut as the screaming began and sounds of battle threatened to destroy her from the inside out. It was already destroying her and had been since the day they first rang. Hugo picked Varian up into his arms, standing and pressing the cold body to his chest. His head rested against his neck, and Hugo was all too aware of the lack of breath against his skin.

He wondered if possibly, if Donella would be his best option. But staring at the woman before him, at how hurt she was despite her attempts to hide her anger, he knew he already severed that tie for good.

“I said leave!” Donella snapped and whipped around, not holding back how her voice cracked with anguish and self-hatred. “Now you’ve learned. This is where love gets you.” She spat out harshly and clenched her fists. Donella didn’t know who she was referring to. Varian. Hugo. Or herself. One dead. One devastated. One a monster.

Hugo turned quickly and ran out the door, clutching onto what remained of his love, his life, his future. He held on, like his mentor had done and did, to what little remained.

Donella shook her head and clutched her temples, squeezing slightly. Hide hide hide. She had to hide her guilt, hide her pain, hide her weaknesses. She had to hide, go back into hiding. Usually, the voices rang out from far in the past, this time the voice was all too present. ’What are you hiding from?’ What was she hiding from? Or who?

Her boot made a crinkling sound, and Donella looked down to find the photo, the edge a little singed but the image still intact. Reaching down, she took the memory in her hands and allowed herself to grieve. Allowed herself to grieve for the two people she lost that day. Ulla, and a part of herself. The part of herself that wasn’t afraid to feel, that wasn’t afraid because she had Ulla. Her nose wrinkled slightly as she bit back a sob. Eyes closed to try and hold back tears only for them to seep out and run down her cheeks. She held the paper to her chest and sighed, shaking her head. Ulla was gone, the person in that picture was nothing more than a distant blissful memory. Looking down at the image again, Donella glared at herself. At the genuine naive happiness in her eyes, at the trust and closeness and open heart she had back then. Never again. She promised herself never again, and she lied. It was just like her, to make the same mistakes again, to fail again. The same green eyes, although aged, narrowed at the past. Taking one last look at herself, or what she was before all this, she tore the photo in half with a brisk motion.

Ulla, or at least the memory of Ulla, was placed on the podium after it was flipped back over. Donella paused for a moment to delicately trace over her features, a face she desperately wanted to remember for what it was before the incident. Before she slipped through the cracks. The other half, the scarred half, the evil half, was crumpled up tightly in her destructive hand. The person she longed to forget about entirely. She wished she could forget what it was like to be truly happy, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so badly to know that feeling was gone for good. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as badly, if she didn’t know what she didn’t have. But she knew of all she lost, all she lost because of herself. Her fist clenched so tightly that tiny crescent shapes formed in her palm like physical markings of her inner desperation to forget. There was nothing left of that girl. Nothing left of the hope and joy and trust that girl had in her eyes. She was a stranger to Donella. Tossing the ball of crumbled weakness away, she sighed with relief. No one would ever remember when she could feel, except for herself. It was always herself that was the issue, it was always herself that remembered. For all anyone else cared, she was a cold and emotionless monster. It was easier this way, it was better this way. No one wanted to get close to a monster, no one could hurt her when her greatest pain was caused by herself. No one could break her heart if she didn’t have one. 

She wouldn’t allow herself to feel. She wouldn’t allow herself to ever, ever be that girl in the photograph ever again. Because that girl got hurt, and Donella didn’t know if she wanted to survive another heartbreak. She didn’t know if she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I hurt hugo now it's Varian's turn


	14. Green and Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donella talking about her past relationship, and Varigo. For Varigo Appreciation Week on Tumblr hosted by @alistairwrites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Did I really just slide Varigo in here as an excuse to use the tag? Yeah

Green was the color of a serpent, evil and conniving, as it slinked away into the grass to hide and lie in wait for its next victim. Green was the color of a mad king’s gem, isolated and feared, as it was put on display as a reminder of how power corrupts. Green was the color of infection, sickly and disgusting, stemming from a wound that would scar over but never truly heal. Green was the color of the crackling electricity, fearful and powerful, driving away any who dared to linger too close. Green was the color of poison, bubbly and thick, sitting in glass vials with a neatly printed label. Poison that could slowly destroy a man from the inside out. Poison that needed to be contained. Poison that must be isolated for the safety of everyone around it. Green was the color of the eyes that greeted her in reflections, the eyes that glared at her with loathing, hateful.

Green was the color of regret.

Blue was the color of the vast ocean, calm and tranquil at the surface but dangerous and mysterious beneath. Blue was the color of deadly nightshade, shiny and tempting, so deeply colored that they nearly look black and powerful enough to kill. Blue was the color of a jagged gemstone fresh from the earth, promising and bright, with the hopes of either bring riches or harm at a single touch. Blue was the color of the ever-changing sky, unpredictable and immersive, stretching farther than the eye could see and hiding its secrets under that showy facade. Blue was the color of ice, slick and unsuspecting, freezing over water and ground during the long winters. Ice that could easily hide whatever lurked beneath. Ice that was strangely beautiful and deadly at the same time. Ice that had the power to lull anyone into a false sense of security. Blue was the color of eyes that flashed at the edges of her vision, eyes that were wide and mad, slipping.

Blue was the color of denial.

But for them, for them it was different. Maybe they were different. Maybe it would be different.

Green was the color of warm grass on a summer day as the wind swept through and caused the blades to tickle bare feet and skin. Green was the color of the budding leaves on tall oak trees, born once again after surviving yet another winter. Green was the color of key lime pie, sour at first but sweeter with each new bite. Green was the color of soft moss growing along the banks of rivers, taking in the sunlight and regrowing with damage or change. Green was the color of fresh mint leaves that left an icy taste in mouths. That refreshed and rejuvenated and brought forth a feeling of clean, of a clean slate. Green was the color of the eyes that stared back at her with determination, the eyes that were ready to start anew, the eyes that were ready to take a chance for love.

Green was the color of rebirth.

Blue was the color of a rare butterfly fluttering between petals before settling at peace. Blue was the color of the crisp nighttime air where all was quiet and there was nothing but the sounds of the universe and all who chose to listen. Blue was the color of fresh blueberries picked straight from the plant and eaten without worry or strife. Blue was the color of a bluejay, spreading its wings and flying free from where it was previously grounded. Blue was the color of rain coming down to bathe the earth in water and wash away the dirt and scuff left behind by years of uncareful travelers. Rain that worked to wipe away the mistakes of the past and allow the possibility of a new future, that brought life to the green grass and trees and encouraged their growth. Blue was the color of the eyes that watched her cautiously and wanted to trust her even though they had no reason to. The eyes that were ready to forgive the past, the eyes that were ready to give a second chance for love.

Blue was the color of acceptance.

Green and blue hadn’t worked out for her in the past. They had collided in conflict violently and brought to an end a wonderful partnership. She had thought they were never meant to be, that love itself was never meant to be. Blue was dangerous, green would never be enough, and that was the end of their story. The end of her story.

They were different, she knew they were, she hoped they were. They had united through conflict and brought into existence a new true love that Donella was sure didn’t exist. She had thought that they would crash and hurt each other as she had with Ulla, she was wrong once again. Blue could forgive, green was willing to change, and that was the start of their story. The start of a new story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN// Come for the Varigo, leave because of Melting Point lmao


	15. Reconnected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern Au Donella and Ulla make up (thanks to Raps)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An// Again this is inspired by the amazing Modern Au that @coloring_the_banner is working on on insta! She's amazing please check Cam out!!  
> Some of these events may change in the official au as it is in development, but I just couldn't help myself to flangsty melting point

Glancing at the screen that she had previously tucked into the pocket of her black leather jacket, Donella sighed and glanced around from where she was parked on the side of the road. Her green eyes scanned the large home as she waited with one foot on the ground, stabilizing her motorcycle. ‘That’s funny, she’s usually always on time.’ Donella thought to herself as she glanced at the phone again.

_ Coffee?  _

_ 8am? _

_ Sure. I’ll drive. _

She shook her head and pushed away the thought that the blonde girl was standing her up. Donella had no reason to think this, no reason that her friend, were they, friends? Maybe not? But she still had no reason to think that Rapunzel wouldn’t show up to their little gathering. Especially since she was the one to suggest it.

She sucked in a quiet breath and let out a sigh of relief as the door opened and the shorter woman hurried out the door. Donella waited until she was a few feet from where she was standing before throwing the woman her helmet. It was a deep purple color with a pink flower on the side, Rapunzel had painted it herself.

“About time.” 

Her voice was a grumble but Rapunzel could see the eagerness and relief in her eyes.

“Sorry,” she shrugged and put on the helmet. Donella was always insistent that everyone wore the proper protection while riding. For some reason that was surprising to everyone else. The first time Rapunzel had asked why, well the older woman had simply stared into the reflection of her own olive green helmet with a dark gray stripe. Like she was looking at something in the far off distance. She hadn’t answered the question, just grumbled something in response like usual. “I was trying to arrange something.”

Donella raised an eyebrow but didn’t pry. The girl was always trying to organize some sort of charity event or gathering, it was commendable.

“Just hop on. I need my coffee.” Donella grumbled under her breath and shoved her helmet on quickly. She waited until Rapunzel was situated behind her with her arms around Donella’s waist. The first time she did this Donella had snapped at her, now she just nodded and kicked off the ground.

Rapunzel’s arms tightened slightly as they sped down the road on the black motorcycle with green lightning detailing, courtesy of Hector. Donella didn’t seem to mind the tightness, how her friend would press against her as they got onto the highway. While driving she’d be able to feel the clamminess of Rapunzel’s hands and the press of a helmet between her shoulder blades. She always wondered why, why did Rapunzel always ride with her when Donella knew it made her anxious? She never asked, but if she did the answer would have been that Rapunzel saw how much Donella enjoyed it and she wanted to share in that moment. Like friends do.

The motorcycle came to a stop parked between two cars a block or so from the coffee shop. She took off her helmet and fixed her hair so that it was covering her right cheek. More specifically the scars on her right cheek. She glanced over to watch as Rapunzel removed her helmet as well, and then pulled out her phone to send a text. That was, odd. Usually, Rapunzel was never on her phone during these coffee dates. Was she sick of her? Complaining to someone about how she was getting coffee with this, this weirdo? Donella shook her head, she was being crazy. Rapunzel wouldn’t, she. Well, Donella could possibly consider the possibility that Rapunzel may like her. Or not hate her at least.

Hitting the message icon on her phone with a quick tap, Rapunzel made sure that Donella couldn’t see her phone screen.

_ You know, once she realizes you tricked her with coffee,  _

_ she’ll probably never trust you again _

_ I’m willing to risk it! She needs you U _

_ If you say so...  _

_ Text me when you’re here _

Rapunzel quickly typed out a message. ‘We’re here! Fingers crossed. She doesn’t suspect anything yet.’ Surprisingly she got an immediate text back, Ulla was always a fast responder. ‘How’s her mood?’

Glancing over at the taller woman as she looks down at her own phone, swiping through social media with lips pulled into a tight frown, Rapunzel’s thumbs typed out their message. ‘Grumpy but not any more than usual.’ She tucked the phone away before gently nudging Donella’s upper arm with her shoulder. The woman tucked her phone into her back pocket and straightened up. Rapunzel was relieved that Donella never asked or really spoke about what she was doing, that way she wouldn’t have to lie to her about who she was texting.

“Any exciting clients recently?” Rapunzel asked like they didn’t already talk on a daily basis. Donella shrugged before rattling off some of the more interesting tattoo requests she had gotten. The woman always spoke in a concise, matter of fact manner. This usually led to Rapunzel having to coax more details out of her, but that was part of the fun.

Her hand raised to turn the handle, green eyes looking inside the familiar shop, and doing a quick scan as the bell above the glass door chimed. “Hugo’s been asking ab-” Her voice caught in her throat. Blue eyes, round blue eyes, pretty blue eyes. She took a small step backward. The long honking of a car horn. The screeching of metal. The stabbing pain in her cheek. Her hand reached upwards and brushed upon the raised skin beneath her silvery gray hair on instinct. The fear in her eyes and face evident.

“Punz, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t need coffee.” She muttered softly, almost robotically as she tried to turn but then a hand was on her wrist. Donella’s eyes widened. ‘Donnie please!’. She shook her head to get the pleas out of her mind as Rapunzel’s green eyes stared up at her, naively cheery.

“Don’t lie to me, Donella. You always want coffee.” She noticed, noticed how Rapunzel’s green eyes would dart away, across the coffee shop, towards her. And that’s when the dots in her mind began to connect and the picture began to form. Donella shook her hand out of Rapunzel’s grasp quickly but didn’t walk away. Her eyes narrowed into a glare, a glare that made a small shiver run up the blonde’s spine. “You set this up, didn’t you?”

Her words were barely a whisper, a hissed out growl between clenched teeth. Rapunzel nodded, why did she feel terrified? Donella saw the fear in her eyes, the fear. Her friend, well, Rapunzel. Rapunzel feared her. Stepping back towards the door, her hand reached back as the red-haired woman who was sitting at the table got up and started towards them. No, No, No. Tires skid. Metal bent. Flesh tore.

Ulla was carrying a tray with three drinks on them, an iced black coffee for Donella. She had smiled while ordering that one, some things never changed. A latte for herself and hot chocolate of all things for Rapunzel. Donella must have given her a hard time on that drink choice.

“No- Make her stop. I’m not-” Donella stuttered out. Donella never stuttered. She turned on her heel, nearly running into the glass door she was moving so quickly and hurried out with Rapunzel chasing after her. The girl only caught up when Donella stopped at her motorcycle to breathe and put on her helmet. All while trying to avoid looking into the reflective surface.

“Donella, please! She wants to-”

“I don’t care what she wants! Her wants are none of my business anymore!” Donella snapped and huffed, turning away. This is what she got for opening up. “I should have never told you about her!”

Sure she hadn’t really told Rapunzel anything, but still. This is what happened, Donella confided in her, she trusted her, and it got thrown back in her face.

The helmet was almost over her head when that familiar voice made her freeze dead in her tracks.

“Donnie?” Ulla’s voice was quiet as she handed Rapunzel the tray with the drinks and stopped a few feet from the woman she once knew, the friend she once had. The gray-haired woman stared straight ahead into the street. Her cheek burned.

“It’s Donella to you.” She muttered quietly, bitterly, but tucked the helmet underneath her arm. Ulla guessed that was good, at least she wasn’t speeding away like all those years ago.

“I just want to talk, Donella.” The name felt strange on her tongue, it felt too long, too serious, too formal, too distant. The taller woman didn’t turn to look at her, and one of her hands balled into a fist.

“I have nothing to say to you.” Stubborn. She was so stubborn. Maybe that was why she never had many friends. Two, she had two. Both betraying her in some way.

“Donella, please. Just this once.” Rapunzel piped up and winced as Donella turned her head sharply to glare straight at her. She shrunk away but watched as her friend took in a deep breath and eventually nodded stiffly.

“Fine.” She grumbled and walked over, angrily taking the iced coffee from the tray because it was free coffee. She was not going to go into this without coffee.

Walking down the street towards a local park where Rapunzel and she often picnicked, Donella trailed closer to the street to put as much distance between her and Ulla as possible. “So how’d you two meet?”

She grumbled as a weak attempt at making small talk, an attempt to keep the conversation away from all the gross touchy-feely stuff. Donella wasn’t in the mood to talk about her emotions, she hadn’t been in the mood to talk about them for over sixteen years. 

Ulla perked up at this because Donella was actually talking to her. She was talking to her again for the first time in years. “Oh well, Rapunzel came to one of my lectures.”

“Yeah, I wanted to learn more about all that alchemy stuff you loved to talk about and I found Ulla online.”

Rapunzel smiled and tried to gauge Donella’s expression, it was colder than usual. Donella walked with her left side facing the two, her right towards the street with her scars.

“Right. You still teach?” That was a stupid question, but it was a distant question.

“You don’t?” For some reason, her tone set something off in Donella. A nearly smug response from the lips of the woman, like she didn’t know. Like she didn’t know what happened., Turning her head sharply but avoiding her eyes, her green ones spat venom and malice.

“Yeah, I don’t. Turns out no one can focus when their professor’s face is all fucked up!” Rapunzel actually put her hands on Donella’s shoulders to keep her away as the woman leaned towards Ulla. One of Donella’s hands was raised and pointing at the woman accusingly. It wasn’t Ulla’s fault that she was ugly, well more ugly than before. Donella knew it wasn’t her fault, so then why, why was she still so angry?

“Get your hands off me!” Donella shook Rapunzel off and walked faster than her shorter counterparts towards the park.

“This could be going better.” Rapunzel muttered as she watched her storm off.

Ulla shrugged and glanced down at her phone. “Just be glad she hasn’t driven off already.” She quipped before hurrying to catch up to the woman who had sat down on the park bench with her arms crossed, fuming.

Rapunzel hurried up and sat down between them as Donella slouched and leaned away from the two into the armrest.

“Donni- Donella. I’m sorry that’s not what I meant-”

The woman lifted her head and Ulla was taken aback by the sadness she could see underneath the veil of rage. Donella’s eyes looked over her shoulder.

“It’s not what you meant, it's what you did! What you- what you said!” For some reason, Rapunzel and Ulla both knew that Donella wasn’t referencing the slightly teasing tone Ulla had used when asking ‘you don’t’. The scars upon her cheek stretched a bit as she gritted her teeth and sat up.

Ulla stared down in her lap and sighed, shaking her head sadly. “I’m sorry. I messed up.”

“Oh, what are you sorry about?” Her tone was so sarcastic that it made Rapunzel wince, and she wasn’t even the target. The girl had never heard this much malice come from Donella, and that was saying a lot. Her words bounced to the cadence of a mocking laugh. “Sorry about trying to abandon your family, or sorry about telling me that I have no one?”

“Bo-both, all of it. Everything.” Ulla looked up and reached over, trying to take Donella’s hand but the woman just pulled hers away hastily. She shifted, trying to look into those green eyes that were hidden by a veil of gray hair. Was it just her, or were they shinier than usual? Glossier? “I messed up. I- I lost control and I said things that were out of line. And I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

Donella sucked in a deep breath to ensure that her voice wouldn’t shake while she spoke. She wasn’t going to appear weak, not now. “Did you really mean them?” She asked softly and cleared her throat because her voice sounded timid and shaky and all those terrible things she was feeling but didn’t want others to know about. Suddenly the walls of anger she had built were crashing down, and all that was left was her hurt. “When you said it. They had to come from somewhere, so did you mean them?” They had to come from truth.

There was a little pause and Donella nodded. She got the answer she thought she would. Standing up without a word, she turned and started to leave with her arms crossed, holding herself. Trying to hold herself together, trying to hold the broken pieces together, trying to appear whole when the cracked pieces were crumbling. Her hand tightened on the cup, feeling the freezing cold sensation.

The clean smell of a hospital room. The subtle beeping of a monitor. The pain in her cheek. She wished she hadn’t woken up.

Before Rapunzel could say anything Ulla was already bounding up and towards her. The red-haired woman wasn’t thinking about anything besides the fact that her former best friend, the person she still considered her best friend, was trying to slip away from her again. And she wasn’t going to let her fall through the cracks this time. She shouldn’t have last time. There were a lot of things she should have done back then, and shouldn’t have. Rapunzel looked away and pulled out her phone, not wanting to intrude.

Ulla left her drink on the armrest of the bench and ran up to Donella before she could get away. Without thinking, seriously without thinking, Her arms wrapped around the woman’s waist and cheek rested upon her back between her shoulder blades.

“Please don’t go yet! Please!” To her surprise, Donella stopped, and there wasn’t any fighting, no yelling or pushing. They just stood there, Donella looked down and closed her eyes, letting her hair fall into her face. “The days I waited for you in the hospital, to know if you were alive were the longest days of my life.”

Donella’s bottom lip trembled, she squeezed her eyes shut tighter and gritted her teeth but the words came out anyway. The words she never told anyone, somehow Ulla had her ways of getting them out of her. “I wish I died then.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I was alone. I had nothing left, I wanted to. And then the nurse said you were in the waiting room. And I didn’t want to believe it.” Her words choked in her throat and she swallowed hard. “Because- because I didn’t want anything to hold onto anymore. When you told me I had nobody, well. I just- It was liberating. It was easier to be alone.”

Her entire body shuttered as the words escaped her, Ulla felt tears welling up but she blinked them away. Her heart was breaking in her chest, absolutely breaking as she listened to the damage she had caused. 

“You don’t have nobody.” It was a double negative but that was beside the point. “You always have me, and you always had me. And I-” Now it was her turn to reveal something that she wasn’t exactly proud of. “I didn’t mean what I said. But at that moment I wanted to make you feel as much pain as I did when you said you wanted to leave without me. And I know you were just trying to do what was best for me but I was stupid. What else is new?” 

A sad smile pulled on to her lips as she shrugged. Her voice was breaking, the tears were welling up again but she didn’t care. “And I didn’t listen and I wanted to make you hurt. So I said the meanest thing I could come up with because I was just so mad that you wanted to leave me. And I wanted you to feel the same way. And that’s terrible and I’m ashamed to admit it but it’s the truth. And the truth is that I’m a terrible person who hurt you.”

Donella blinked, her lips almost wanted to pull into a smile. Some things never changed, like how wordy Ulla was. Her hand drifted from where it was underneath her arm and rested upon Ulla’s at her waist.

“And the truth is that I’m a terrible person who held a grudge for over sixteen years and was a jackass to the one person I cared about.” She muttered, her tone light almost like she was joking. “I guess that makes us both terrible people.” That was just Donella’s humor, and Ulla recognized that. She always did. 

“But I feel less terrible when I’m around you,” Ulla mumbled that into the back of Donella’s jacket. When she felt the woman start to turn her face lifted so that she was looking up at her, and for the first time in many many years, Donella’s gaze was on her.

Donella stared into those blue eyes and her breath caught in her throat. 

A pain in her cheek. Late nights spent nearly deliriously giddy. Laughing so hard that they could barely breathe. A hand in her own, fingers intertwined.

“Can we start again? Please? You don’t have to say yes.” Ulla hesitated as she reached up and rested her hand upon the scars. Donella instinctively winced and pulled away before leaning back into her touch, the only time someone else had touched her scars, her face, in years. Since the accident.

“I’d like that.” The words fell from her lips faster than she could think about them, she was glad that they did. If she thought then, well then she probably wouldn't have said them at all. She would have called them irrational, and they were. But they were irrationally hopeful and longing and wistful. They made her heart pound faster and the blood rush to her face and ears. The smile that greeted her made Donella’s stomach flip in a good way, she almost smiled back.

Ulla let out a quiet laugh and stood on her toes so that they were more eye level, her other hand resting upon Donella’s shoulder for stability but also the added touch. “Good, I missed you.”

That was it, there was that tiny smile that pulled its way onto Donella’s lips. She shook her head and closed her eyes like she was trying to distract Ulla from her joy by acting exasperated. Some things never changed. “I missed you too.”

How long had they just been standing there staring? Donella wasn’t sure but her hands had found their way around Ulla’s waist and pulled her closer, she missed this closeness, their closeness. And for once, she wasn’t terrified of feeling vulnerable. Ulla made her braver, Ulla was the reason she wasn’t afraid. Ironically also the reason she was afraid in the first place.

“You know what else I’ve missed?” Ulla whispered and tilted her head to the side, timidly moving her thumb along Donella’s scar. But the woman had stiffened up a bit and Ulla stopped, tracing her cheekbone instead. She’d learn restraint for Donella. Just like how Donella would learn to be open and trusting for her. They would make each other not so terrible.

“What?” Donella raised an eyebrow subtly. She was never sure what to expect from Ulla. But what she absolutely did not expect was how the woman, even standing on her toes, had to pull her neck down slightly in order to press their lips together. For some reason unknown to Donella herself, she didn’t resist the motion. Like she knew what was coming but was too scared to hope.

Well, she didn’t have to hope because there they were, and Ulla’s eyes were closed and slowly Donella felt safe enough to close hers too. And they just held each other, and their noses rubbed together and it was awkward and strange and wonderful and she didn’t realize how much she wanted, no needed, this until she was completely wrapped up in the moment.

Rapunzel took a sip of her hot chocolate before setting down her phone after receiving a text from Eugene and responding.

_ Hey, how’s it going with ol’ grumpy? _

_ I’m actually not sure, let me check. _

The girl glanced up at the two before turning back to her phone and typing out a message ‘I think it’s going pretty well’ before returning to her scrolling.

Eventually, they had to pull apart to breathe, both panting and it was clear that both were reluctant to pull away. Donella looked to be thinking and wrinkled her nose for a brief moment after.

“Wait, I don’t remember doing that before. And I would remember.” She stared down at Ulla and once again raised a questioning eyebrow. “How could you have missed this if we’ve nev-”

“Shush, Donnie.” Ulla pressed a finger to her lips and Donella didn’t object. Though that wasn’t really the thing she wanted against her mouth at the moment. “I was trying to be sweet and do a cute transition, okay?”

A soft chuckle left her lips. Yes, an actual laugh. It felt good to laugh again. “You were never the best at those.”

Ulla shrugged and nodded in agreement. “You should help me out with them, then. Like you used to.”

“I shouldn’t have to if you actually learned something.” Grinning, Donella looked over at where her friend was sitting on the bench, and she nodded.

“Hey!’ Ulla punched her shoulder in mock offense. It was nice to have Donella teasing her again. It was nice to have Donella again. And now, maybe there was a chance for something more than again. Though she’d wait to ask since Donella was already walking off towards Rapunzel. Ulla had already spent over sixteen years waiting, she could wait a little more. She would wait as long as she needed to for Donella.


	16. Looks Like We Have Ourselves A Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Assassin Donella au as suggested on discord by JoyFlameball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I'm too much of a coward to actually commit to making this a fic but damn it's tempting  
> Maybe I will when I actually finish What Once Was Mine lmao

While pursuing a doctorate in Engineering was a task Donella took great pride and care in, it didn’t pay the bills. No, it didn’t pay the bills at all. Even with her work, rent was barely made every month and a careful tab must be put on any other spending, and Donella liked work, don’t get her wrong. She found plenty of relaxing time when she drew up her budgets and followed them to a T. However, this life was definitely not the one she wished to live, she wanted to get out, to start living rather than surviving. Who knew the key to that, would be killing.

It was a dream come true if you didn’t think too deeply about your dreams. She’d be able to come home and focus on class and her studies during the daytime, and at night all she had to do was run a few errands and she had her rent for the next few months. Suddenly she could move out of her crumbling apartment, actually eat something that wasn’t dried or flash frozen, and get a better computer than one that sounded like a jet taking off every time she tried to open an application. Donella didn’t go overboard, she wasn’t that type of person. It wasn’t like the people she was offing here good people, cartel leaders, and cheats and hitmen like herself. Though a small nagging thought threatened to trip her up. Who was she to decide who lived and died? Did she really think of herself as the one to pull the trigger and end a life? Donella shut those thoughts down, shoved those guilty feelings down until she could barely remember what it was like to have them around. She didn’t need them. She had to be strong, and if being strong meant being hollow, then that’s what she had to do.

It was an easy hit that night, the heavy rain would wash away any footprints and other residues. There were two things that made Donella good at what she did, her cold disposition as well as her ability to fade into the background. Though she’d hardly call it an ability, more like something that was naturally with her since she was born. She was easy to forget, easy to look past, easy to see straight through as if she were invisible. No one cared to remember her, so no one could link her to the crime. Pulling up the hood of her sweatshirt- stereotypical she knew it but it was effective, Donella felt her finger trail down the barrel of the firearm in her pocket. It was supposed to be an easy hit.

She approached the apartment on the other side of town, adjusting the black mask that covered the lower portion of her face. Just the tips of two raised scars could be seen ending underneath her eye, she pulled the fabric up to conceal them. She wouldn’t fail, Donella couldn’t fail. However, precautions were precautions. Approaching the alleyway, her path of entry was already mapped out for her by her employer. Up the side of the fire escape and through a window her target always seemed to leave open out of neglect. She was forgetful, Donella didn’t even have to pick the lock. It was supposed to be an easy hit.

Pulling herself up, she climbed up the side of the fire escape by pulling herself to the railing and jumping to the next, stairs were too loud. The woman crouched by the window and gently pulled, the pane obediently followed her fingers. This was too careless of her target, Donella almost shook her head. The lights were off as she entered, perfect. The coffee table was littered with papers and empty coffee mugs not yet rinsed out and washed. The sink was filled with dishes but take-out containers struggled to be contained inside the trash can. Donella narrowed her eyes as she picked her way through the chaotic clutter. But there was a method to the madness she could soon pick up, a strategic scattering of scrap papers lines the floor connected by yellow streaks of highlighter and marker. She picked her way over them and sat down on the counter overlooking the door, taking out her weapon and screwing on the silencer. This woman’s schedule was easy to predict, how could someone so messy also always be on time? That was beyond Donella and frankly, she didn’t care. Her target was predictable. It was supposed to be an easy hit.

There were rules she followed, self made rules but rules. How to get there, how to clean up, how to prepare. Rules and rules and more rules she lived her life by. How much to spend on gas, how long to speak to her professors, how many tabs she was allowed to have open. Rules were structured, rules made life easy, rules made her good at what she did. Rules made this an easy hit. Or they were supposed to.

The door flew open with such vigor that Donella jumped, usually, it was slower but she could work with this. Her finger stiffened around the trigger, she took in a brea-

“Oh! I didn’t think they’d send someone so soon.” She choked, what? What wasn’t how this was supposed to go. And for the first time, she hesitated and the lights flicked on, and Donella had to look her target in the eyes for the first time, and her target had the prettiest blue eyes she had ever- no. She had to stick to her rules, she gritted her teeth. The woman with red hair and a surprisingly nice blue pantsuit was going to di-

“Tell me, do all people in your line of work have pretty eyes or are you the exception?” The woman replied nonchalantly like she was just chatting someone up after work. Donella faltered and watched as she took off her jacket and stood there in a white button-up. She blinked and cleared her throat, lowering her weapon. This was breaking her rules- But Donella could kill her at any time. This was a recoverable detour.

“I- that’s-” She cleared her throat as the words were catching. Her cheeks flushed and she was glad her mask concealed her flustered nature. What? No, she was cold and calculating and definitely not emotional, this wasn’t her nature. And how did this woman know exactly what Donella was thinking about her? Did she- did she mean what she said? No of course she didn’t, she was trying to buy time. And it was working. “That’s not really the reaction I usually get.”

A laugh came from her target, a sound that made her heart flutter but also her nose wrinkle in confusion because what the hell? The woman spoke as she leaned against her couch and crossed her legs at the ankles. “Sorry, would you prefer me to scream and beg for my life? I can do that if you want.”

Usually, Donella would have taken those words as mocking, but her target was saying them in such a way with such a face that it almost felt earnest. She set the weapon in her lap and shook her head, unable to really say more. She never hesitated, why was she struggling now?

“Oh great, I did a lot of screaming at work and my throat is killing me!” Her target walked over without fear despite the mysterious person sitting on her counter drenched from the rain and holding a gun. Donella wasn’t sure what this lady did to deserve being murdered, but she was terrifying. Her green eyes followed her cautiously, half wondering if she was going for a weapon of her own. Well, if she was then this was Donella’s mistake in life. She’d take the consequences, curiosity killed the cat, right? But no, the woman opened her cabinet and took out a box of teabags, terrible quality ones may she add, and also a mug with some honey. Donella tilted her head to the side in disbelief. 

“Are you actually serious right now?” She sputtered out and those blue eyes looked at her from over the woman’s shoulder. They widened slightly.

“Oh I’m sorry, do you want one?”

Donella blinked, that was not what she was supposed to say. “I- yes, please.” And that was definitely not what she was supposed to reply.

If you had asked Donella two years ago if she would be an assassin she would have rolled her eyes and scoffed, if you asked her six months ago if she thought she would be sitting in her target’s kitchen waiting to drink some cheap tea from a mug she wasn’t exactly sure was clean she would have laughed out loud. Apparently, Donella wasn’t good at predicting the future, luckily she was an assassin and now a fortune teller. Though this situation wasn’t exactly a glowing star on her resume.

“Honey?”

Donella blinked and sat up straighter. How could she have spaced out? “Excuse me?” She raised an eyebrow but looked over to see the woman holding up a little bear-shaped jar of amber honey. “Oh- No thanks.”

“No sweetener?” The woman gasped and handed her the mug. Donella cupped it cautiously with gloved hands. “You, my friend, are stone cold.” Yeah, like being a cold-blooded killer didn’t already warrant that. She reached over and tapped the tip of Donella’s nose over the mask before grabbing her own cup and going to sit at the small dining table.

She stared down at the tea, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to drink without removing her mask. That went against her rules. But then again this entire situation might as well be treating all her carefully laid out laws as a pinata. Donella sighed and got off the counter, putting her weapon away and taking off her mask. Her hair was pulled back into a spiral bun on the back of her head and she wasn’t going to take it down, but that left her face and scars to the open. Donella took in a breath and moved over to the table, expecting some comment from the woman but receiving none. Hm, she was continuing to surprise her.

“So, do you have a name? Or should I just call you the cute girl that showed up in my apartment one night?” There was no mask now to hide how red her face was, and Donella took a long sip of her tea to try and hide behind the mug. It was garbage tea and burnt her lips.

“I- I could ask you the same thing!”

“Awe, you think I’m cute?” Donella nearly spat out her tea and choked, coughing into her elbow and feeling a new wave of heat rush to her face.

“Wh- N- What the fuck is wrong with you?” She eventually sputtered out and put the mug down with a little bit more force than she intended. Her gloved hand pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed the area like she was getting a headache. She was.

“I get that a lot actually.” The woman grinned and stuck out her hand like she wanted to shake Donella’s. “I’m Ulla. Reporter for ELN!”

Hesitantly, Donella reached out and had her hand shaken very enthusiastically. “ELN as in Eternal Library News?” She asked with a cautious tone as the woman nodded. Aw shit- why was she being hired to silence a reporter? Already Donella felt a sickening feeling in her stomach. 

“And you are?”

“No.”

“Fair enough!” The wo- Ulla grinned and took a sip of her drink, looking back at the papers on the ground. Maybe she was supposed to be upset that someone tried to assassinate her, but at least they sent a cute girl with a mysterious demeanor and scars that seemed to draw her in. And she was just the cutest thing when she was flustered, despite trying to kill her earlier. We all make mistakes. “You know, I thought you guys would come after me eventually, but not this soon. Actually, I’m impressed, you seem to have your security down pat.”

She stared at the utter confusion on Donella’s face and slowly pieced the two together. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“Absolutely no fucking clue.” Leaning her scarred cheek into her hand, Donella huffed with frustration and nodded, signaling Ulla to tell her more. The woman seemed to light up at this, she had been waiting for someone to sit down and listen to her findings. She clapped her hands eagerly and hopped up.

“I could talk about this for hours!” Donella felt her previously frozen over heart melt just the tiniest bit. Why did Ulla’s little excited dance seem to be its melting point? She was infatuated with this woman who stared down death in the eyes without a second thought, was she brave or stupid? Probably both but that just made her even more alluring.

“As much as I’d love that,” She breathed out the words without even thinking. Did she really just admit- “I have work in the morning and I really need to get home soon.” 

Of course, that wouldn’t have been a problem if she had just offed Ulla when she had the chance. But now she wasn’t sure that she could. Her previously stone-cold demeanor was supposed to allow her to do her job and do it well, but Ulla seemed to find the tiniest crack and split that stone in two. Donella was still mulling over her options, but that this point whatever happened to her was her fault and hers alone. She wasn’t running from the consequences, she wasn’t a coward. 

“Oh of course! Right. I assume work isn’t,” Ulla made a motion over at Donella with an open hand, “this?” 

Donella shook her head and Ulla seemed satisfied with that answer. She spun around like she was attempting to gather her thoughts and pushed up the sleeves of her button-up while she thought. Donella caught herself staring. And of course, Ula felt it and had to bite back that cheeky little grin on her face. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

“I’ve been running an investigation. Or- not running. It’s just me.” She grinned and pointed at herself with her thumb, Donella nodded and hid her smile behind once again, absolute garbage tea. She’d have to bring Ulla some good ones. Wait- she wasn’t going to see her again, what was she thinking? “But it’s on Corona Operations,” the biggest manufacturer of tech supplies in the city. The CEO and his family were practically royalty. “I’m telling you it runs deep!”

“How deep?” Donella asked cautiously and was now wishing that she had read the papers on the ground, while also a little glad that she had hesitated.

“Deep as in fraud, child exploitation, and silencing employees,” Ulla replied and Donella had never seen someone say those words with so much excitement.

“You might want to lead with the silencing and end with the exploitation. Packs more punch.” She muttered and Ulla nodded, yeah that was a good point. Ulla was never the best at organizing her thoughts, but this woman is. Was it fate that brought them together, destiny maybe?

“Anyways, I’ve been trying my best to gather dirt on them, but that bastard Fredric keeps everything on lockdown. And I haven’t gotten enough to actually publish a report.” She glanced over at the woman and crossed her arms over her chest. “That’s why I wasn’t expecting you yet. Oh no!”

Ulla clasped her hands over her mouth and suddenly her eyes got wide, Donella glanced around behind her like she wasn’t the danger in the room. “Are you gonna be in trouble for this?” She asked and sat down in her seat. Oh, this was terrible, she didn’t know much about assassins but they probably weren’t supposed to talk to their targets. Donella blinked and shook her head slowly.

“I don’t work for him. I think he went through a third party.” She explained and sighed softly. “And don’t worry, I’m not here to kill you anymore.”

Her shoulders sagged slightly and Donella was already mulling over how to explain this to her boss. She had never missed a target before, this was going to be taken from her paycheck, not that it was an issue of course.

“Oh! Lovely,” Ulla grinned and leaned back in her seat. “May I ask why? I don’t think assassins are supposed to have a heart.”

“I don’t!” Why did she sound so defensive? “I just- I believe in whatever you’re trying to accomplish here. Never loved Corona Operations anyways, always got a bad feeling about them.” She grumbled softly and glanced back towards the window she entered from.

“Look, how about this?” Donella stuck out her hand before she continued, “I help you get that you need to take this bastard’s company down, and you don’t report me to the police.”

To her surprise, Ulla grabbed her hand tightly and shook it with as much enthusiasm as before. “I wasn’t gonna in the first place but no take backsies!”

Donella resisted the urge to yank her hand away until it actually felt warm and- and nice to have it held. She grinned softly and stood up. It was supposed to be an easy hit.

“Looks like we have ourselves a deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I tried a different writing style, idk what do you guys thing? Also Ulla is really fun to write

**Author's Note:**

> AN// Wow you're at the end? Good for you! How was it? Lemme know


End file.
